I woke not so much disconnected just that I’m uncertain if a little day trip will “work” today. Will it help? Do I even need help today? How can I go hiking when my dad is dead? Just get on with life when he didn’t? Couldn’t? Isn’t this the time to really do it?
I think it’s not that I’m looking to connect with nature like some say, it’s that it was so much a part of me anyway my connection is loosy goosy. I am more actually plugged in than I normally am. I’ve had to zoom,Webex,FaceTime,ClassDojo,insta this and that. All so unseeable to me. I don’t want to be trendy and connected to people’s faces I can not touch. It has become so much that I catch myself trying to zoom in on things not zoom in able. Taking my fingers and trying to make the paper Ameren bill bigger to see the numbers better since I can’t see as well but can’t have my vision corrected without accidentally stabbing my eye, leading to an eye emergency where I can discuss better vision.
I know it will work. To get out of the wired walls full of wires to bring us all together behind wired walls. I know it will work to not escape from, but to. Not run from, but to the one thing that wires me.
I worry too much about this wiring. All of it. The wires of community. The wires in walls. The wires of myself. Wires wires wires. We are always looking for ways to bring it all together. Digging trenches through earth, high above and over waters and land to string us all into one. Sometimes when I get too “lost” in the woods I will find these massive poles with wires as a way to lead me out. It’s a no fail. You can always seem to find something man barreled through land to make sure someone across the land knew someone else was across the land. They have gotten me back to service roads or main roads eventually and once even to fellow line workers working on the wires.
I need to just get a few things back in place really soon. I can see it in my wiry writing. Work on my own wires. The desperate desire to reconnect with myself. To work on my own wires a little. To find them, follow them and lead me back to a road. To feel less wired to walls. I’m starting to analyze and reconfigure things. I’m close to un wired wrong. I need re wired right.
Will it be enough to just go even though my dad died? Do I feel him saying go? No clue. He is too soon gone to feel the feeling he is speaking to me in a gone way. He is too soon just here telling me to go. Yet is gone. So I should go or stay? It’s unclear seeing as how he is dead. When will he tell me what to do from his after land? I will have to listen the most listening to myself as I ever have to be able to hear him speak through the noise. Because he won’t actually be talking. It’s a feeling. One that I isn’t wired in yet since the new wires of just died are too new.
Fresh new wires laid out I don’t understand yet. I need a good chat with an electrician. Or my therapist. Or myself. To sort all the wires and make them make me work. Wired well. I have to stop saying wired. Starting now. Go. Says me.
Aspenleaf 