It takes the same amount of energy to be sad as it does to be happy? Right? So it’s a choice. I don’t even want to write about it. I’m sad. I could even be leaning towards depressed. I don’t get depressed. I can find something always to give me hope. But I feel it in my face. Last night my heart beat not just fast but loudly. I could feel it in my face. My neck and against my pillow. Why does it get louder sometimes? It wasn’t soothing it was concerning. It threatened to come right out. Up through my ears. It felt to sometimes be in my stomach. Is my heart moving? What is keeping it going? My choices?
I finally fell asleep. I woke all night with my mouth stuck open dry as a bone. I am drinking some water. Not a lot. I don’t require a lot. But all night my mouth hung open drying from the air around it. If someone looked at me I would have maybe looked dead. I’ve thought too many times what is going on with my dead father. He is being researched. All his parts looked at to learn how he stayed alive for so long with a disease that should have killed him years ago.
Change your thoughts. Chose different ones. I keep doing it. But I’m too stuck on one to make any one other make sense for too long. I want all my electronics to be clear and transparent. Like literally. I want a clear phone. I want to see all the way into it and through it yet I can’t because seeing through it would mean not seeing anything on it. Then I want my coffee pot to be. It’s one of those single serving pod ones. I am dying to take it apart. I hope it clogs soon so I have to. But if it were clearer I wouldn’t need to, I could see it working. Maybe if I were more transparent I could see through myself more and understand me. Maybe everyone else could to. Maybe if my dad had been he wouldn’t be dead and being taken apart to find answers.
Undo. Chose different. I can’t get my daughter to understand how to do e-learning. She just doesn’t get it. It frustrates her and me. Both of them don’t. We also are calling it e-learning and no one is teaching them anything except me. I’m being given the tools. The print off that when you look at it is a choice board of parenting. It’s things I do with them anyway. The actual e-things are social. They are little groups all together on these little screens and the noises and chaos is too much noise and chaos. They lose interest and are off wondering. You can’t keep the attention of kids who have little attention over a small box. They can’t see through it.
I’m left dropping things that are supposed to be required. Can’t they just give us a free pass? Just let us barely survive right now with all the restrictions in place and get to next year. If we even do? I can’t do it. And can’t isn’t a word I know. I appreciate the effort more than I’m letting off but I can’t seem to communicate why we don’t understand the effort. I’m not transparent enough just a single parent.
It’s not my first choice. If I had a choice board it would have had a choice that I already made once. Which was to raise children with a partner. Before that choice board was there it was to be a park ranger. It’s too late for this choice. The parks are closed. My choice was not single and raising kids. Not with my father dead. Not with things I can’t see through. And beyond. My choice was to have someone hold me when I’m sad almost depressed. To even tell me I’m getting there. To help me check in with myself when myself can’t seem to double check in. My choices are gone. I have new ones. They aren’t choices. I don’t chose sad. It chose me right now. I can’t chose happy. It was taken off the board. I can’t slow dance. Not a choice. I can’t even high five. My choices are limited.
My coffee shop is opened back up. It almost made me feel we were making progress. It also feels like no one wants to admit progress. That all this lack of choice is going to get us somewhere. If they say it and it rears back up they will look fools and not get re-elected. There are so many people to elect. A little over a month ago I didn’t even know our governors name. I kept hearing a name and asked my dad. Who is this guy they keep talking about making all these rules!He is our governor. He says disappointed. Then he leads me through a discussion on the laws and bills and senates and house that I didn’t listen to. He says I should be more politically engaged. That’s dangerous advice even from my dad who is as engaged in politics as his cat. He knows just enough to maybe hold a conversation with his coffee buddies. Knew.
Now I know more governors names and senators than I knew existed. I know personal details about some for reasons I don’t get. That one of them just met his daughters boyfriend for the first time. I don’t have a lot of space for politics. I have too much space if I allow it. I do not wish this on my choice boards.
If they want to call it e-learning wouldn’t we be sitting all day long in front of devices and the teacher would be teaching? Like in a classroom except not. Could that even work? I’m sure they are scrambling to make every effort to make our kids engaged but I am the one currently with them so it is my responsibility as it actually always is. It’s what I chose.
I can’t just sign up for social media platforms just to get sucked back into them again just to help us get through a really strange time. It’s not in my core values. I value the time with them. Not with millions of others. I miss one single person who used to be alive. I apparently miss my librarian today but know I really just miss her library and all the choices.
I found myself missing someone else. Just the thought is what made me so sad. I shouldn’t miss him. He hurt me. He hurt us. I should be grateful I’m going through all of this as a single and not a with a partner who wasn’t a partner. I’m getting weak. I am lax in choices and getting weaker from the lack of being engaged by myself. I want to chose happy but I can’t see through anything to chose it. When and where are my choices? My hope?
Aspenleaf 