Unrest

I thought I would write daily. Like a journal. But this morning I wanted to sleep past 4:30 a.m which is when I write until roughly 6:03 a.m. when everyone one else in my home is done resting from unrest.

I want to see what happens in my mind daily first thing in the morning. After the unrest. It’s the time I wake. I am still alive and made it to the next day. I maybe dreamt, maybe slept maybe didn’t. I like to see what comes out after a night where my brain rests. I don’t want to do some of the things I do right now. Like write to unwind. I am resting still at 4:30 a.m. I’m not done unresting.

I have written a few time at night. I can see the ones that I did. I don’t like to unwind at night by unwinding I think. My evening doesn’t seem to be about letting it all out. I’m often exhausted, often over stimulated and often have too much to say. I can’t say it all before I sleep. I can’t unrest before resting time. I need the wind to get to the rest.

I’m trying now. It’s not working. I can’t seem to become as engaged with myself at night as I am in the morning. I’m too engaged to what my day was? Too wound up to be able to unwind from a day of unrest? I’m unrested when I lay to rest, which just sounded like I was dead, like laid to rest dead. or dying? which is often what I feel will happen when I lay to rest. I will die not rest.

My day was too full of others to feel enough to unfeel so much. I am creative in the morning but lack the creative at night? Too many imaginary monsters under the bed for creating things? Too much unrest in my day? For proper unwinding to rest? Then I wake to unwind from rest.

My unrest will rest and I will wake to unwind the rest that rested from the unrest while I unwind.

I’m confusing myself right before sleep maybe to see what will need unwound from all the rest I will get right after the unrest from being wound.