I’m relieved he died. Who says that? Me. My relief outweighs my grief. It could have been worse. It would have been worse. He would have suffered with this virus and died alone. He wouldn’t have tolerated the chaos ensuing upon us. He would have been livid over the new rules here and there. He would have been consumed by this. His mental anguish could have killed him alone. I’m relieved.
I can’t get myself to think ahead. To plan or to make any plans. If you try you are scorned on websites of closures and rules to keep you home. To be safe. If you want to explore a park or trail even online you are first given messages of Covid fright. It’s not an official word yet. Covid. The world hasn’t settled enough for it to be a vocabulary word yet. You can’t do anything without first being warned of something the world hasn’t quit excepted yet.
I think it’s entertaining to imagine the natural world at rest and enjoying the lack of distractions. No trail workers, no saws, no traffic, no fisher people. I imagine the animals waltzing down the trails less traveled in single file rows enjoying their new found freedom. Swimming the shore lines with a new found relief. Splashing high above the water to pronounce your location with no fear. We all have to stay in but they get to wonder free.
What is life like from behind the rotten fallen tree? Life where I’m not tiptoeing through the woods in fear of so much. What is it like to raise from a restful sleep in the tall grass to meander to the stream for a fresh drink of water, water unspoiled by laundering clothes or cleaning dishes. Where the fish swim freely. What is life like below the water where the water is less disturbed and the things lay to settle. Opening the water up to explore. What is it like not to be fished? What is it like to feel like a fish right now? Is it the same relief? Is it relieving to be a fish?Do they know this is temporary? Do they look to the future and think it will always be safe or will it return to their old normal? Will they have a new normal too?
What will a new normal look like? I can’t see it? I also don’t want to? Staying in the moment is easier now than it ever has been. This for me is what I needed to gain some relief of the torturing thoughts of an uncertain future. This virus was a hard fast way for me to realize what I was stuck on still. I was stuck in the moment in my mind, not living in the moment in my mind. That I had to think forward to get away from right now. Think backwards to not forget the painful memories. I was torturing myself with the idea that being right here wasn’t enough.
So I imagine fishing. Reeling my thoughts back in. With a simple image of a fishing line being reeled back. It’s pulling crap with it never fish. My fishing line is always stuck in something not fishing. I’m stucking. I’m about to go too far into fishing. I usually pull and snap the line which makes me even more frustrated for having line stuck in trees or in the mucky water for critters to tangle in. I’ve lost a pole. I don’t fish. It’s too hard. You have to sit for too long and you really can’t talk. Or scare the fish away for others to catch just to release. Release back in the water with a little injured jaw.
How many times can you catch the same fish and release him? Why would you even play this game? What’s worse is why would we do it and then eat them? I’ve gone fishing exactly a dozen times or more and left feeling nothing but frustrated I spent my time that way. I was taken fishing not gone fishing. Why did I keep going fishing? If I had it my way I would splash through the water warning all the fish to stay clear of approximately 40 feet away from the edge. If I don’t reel this in soon I’m going to be fishing all morning. I just don’t fish. I don’t want to be taken fishing on a date. I don’t like the added gear when camping. It’s just not how I spend my time. It’s too far out there. At least I worked that out this morning. Fishing doesn’t bring me relief. Just my dad dying does today. I’m relieved for him.
Fish will be relieved. If they can feel relief. If they felt fear wouldn’t they also feel relief? I know some fish are afraid I’ve seen it in the eyes. They will have less fishers out. Right now the rule says no more than two together. Two together isn’t a good idea for me anyway. I will make it too difficult for the other. Only two on a boat now. Do some take more? Isn’t fishing kind of an alone game? Im relieved the fish can feel a little relief as the fishing isn’t as relieving for some right now. It’s a huge relief.
Stop thinking of fishing.
Aspenleaf 