All alone. On my own.

Why do we feel all alone?

I was asked this. I couldn’t answer. It has so many answers. It varies on situations. When we say I’m all alone. When did we say it? Stranded in the desert? All alone. Paying bills, raising kids, making meals, doing a job. All alone. Grieving. All alone. In a room with one person. All alone. A room with thousands. All alone. A billion. All alone.

I’ve never been stranded in a desert so I’m not sure where that situation came from but I’ve been stranded all alone and it can feel like being in a desert. All alone.

I used to feel the most all alone when I am lonely. I am lonely when I am all alone. But it depends. Stranded all alone didn’t make me feel lonely. I had to feel resourceful. I had to survive. All alone. I had to get to somewhere and to find a way to no alone. On my own.

I am raising my kids on my own But not all alone. I am rarely lonely. Because I am raising kids. They don’t make me feel lonely. There isn’t time. Sometimes they make me feel crowded.(insert smile).But never all alone.

I was told once by one therapist to change the words. To keep doing it until my brain is wired to believe it true. Since my wiring is so tangly it takes some time to de-wire. But this is wired. I can’t feel all alone anymore. I feel on my own. When I say it I feel strength and resilience. I see the all alone all gone. I see the single word untangled into a phrase that gave me strength. On my own.

I am not grieving all alone. Many are grieving right now. The world is full of grief. Anyone who meets me right now, I am grieving but not all alone grieving.

But, my grief is making me feel lonely. I want to cuddle and snuggle. I want to be rocked to sleep. I want to hold hands. With grown ups. I looked at a man yesterday, at his warm soft shoulder and chest in his warm soft sweatshirt and wanted to just lay my head down and be held. He looked cuddleable and I wanted cuddles. So I wouldn’t feel lonely. But not all alone. This may sound strange but I can’t look at people the same anymore with their masks on. Their masks aren’t showing fear anymore to me, its hiding it, it’s a mask. Now I am looking at the tops of their heads and their shoulders. I can’t look in their eyes or I may see their lonely. That they feel all alone. Which could make me feel all alone again. Because they feel all alone, but I can’t tell because now everyone is hiding it all alone. But I want to cuddle. Just not on my own.

I tried to sort the all alone thing out by researching(googling) the core origin of the word. It’s not that interesting. It also did not work. I mostly ended up somehow in a rabbit hole on Indians of North America. All on my own.

I couldn’t over think it. I’m not as wired to anymore. It’s an adjustment that I don’t see until I see it. Then believe it. By feeling it on my own. My wires are just a little less tangled. I rewired me all on my own. And, not all alone.

I am not all alone and can’t explain why. It could be that the universe is just that big too me now. That I have realized that I am that small. If I think of it in a numbers way I actually feel more lonely even a little anxious. There are billions of people in the world, how can you possibly feel all alone?? Some say. Adding others to me doesn’t make me more. It could even make me less. It doesn’t add up to a whole me. It makes me feel I have company. Lots of guests, lots of all aloners and energies to feel. Lots of people and lots of panic just thinking of billions of people in the world.

I have to use a more universal thought. By just using the universe. By just digging into some astrophysics. By looking beyond the people and looking beyond the skyline and just seeing the universe in a more universal way. From within. Myself. On my own.