A friend of mine died. I knew he did. I knew he was going to. When my old coworker called me I knew. He didn’t have to say. I didn’t guess. He also knew I knew. Sometimes you know. But you don’t. I just asked,when? He said Saturday. I knew then too. His wife, who is also my hairdresser called the store and was talking to the florist, the florist says casually, hey, your hairdresser is on the phone, want to chat? No. I do not want to chat. It’s the busiest we have ever been and I can’t even get a hair cut. I also know she is going to tell me he died. Or was about to. I knew and didn’t want to know.
Im trying to meet people and everyone keeps dying. Not the people I’m trying to meet, although they will die too. Everyone who meets me right now is meeting the me in the middle of grieving people who keep dying. Because people die. It’s life. Then we die. No one escapes it.
Living is what is hard. Dying seems to come so easy and naturally to others. They just die. The living is over. The hard is over. The easy is done. You are dead. Not alive. I also don’t know. Maybe it’s hard to die too. I’ve never died. I know people who died. And you can’t ask them. They died. I’ve seen someone die. My dad. It didn’t look hard, for him. He looked peaceful.
I have very mortal thoughts. Just thoughts that say. We die. And I know it. It’s not a secret revealed to me or to others. The secret is life.
How to live.
How do you live? Just don’t die? Just stay alive. Just don’t die. No that’s how to stay alive. Just do not die. Be careful. Be cautious. Make good decisions. They don’t change the outcome of death but they do show it just wasn’t time to die. It was time to live. In hindsight. You made it through living the day because it wasn’t your day to die. You didn’t just know. No one knew and does know. Except someone knew.
But I did know. I just didn’t want to know. I had been knowing for awhile and knew it was coming.
Im tired. I’m losing moisture from crying. I’m tired of crying in front of staff and customers. But until someone says it’s not ok I am going to keep doing it. I don’t need anyone to say anything or do anything. I just have too many tears from too many loses. Too many people who’s life is over. Even people I don’t know.
I am fighting the urge to google obituaries. Read about people who died. Read about how they lived. See how to live. Find the answer. They have to have it. It’s written in their story. Their life. How they lived. Not how they died. Stories of struggles and battles and births and who they will join again. Who to say you are so sorry to. Where they will be. Where they won’t be again.
How to live? Just keep breathing. Keep your shoulders down a little. Relax my neck. Don’t hold my breath in fear its the last. Afraid to let it out. Cry. Let all of the cry out. Laugh. Let it out. Be angry. Let it. Let it all out. Let it all go. So you can live.
There is not a secret to this. No secret of life. It’s hard. It just is. I don’t have a secret to get me through the day. I just have a single minute one at a time to live. Then I will die. I won’t know. No one else will know. But yet someone will know. There is someone who knows. I just don’t know it.
Aspenleaf 