I don’t have anything to sort out. Actually I do but I can’t get it sorted out. I don’t have anything to compare it to. Just my imagination of what good company is. I can’t even begin to think of it. I’m also too tired. I’m working too much and I know it. I’m turning to work. To cope. It’s not going to end well.
I was told being hurt doesn’t stop your goals. My first thought was yes it does. Or it can. But then I thought if I broke my leg I would still want to walk. Maybe even need to. It just might hurt. Like the heart. It will too. Yet the pain was so unbearable Im not sure I can do it again. I can’t sort it, can’t and don’t want to think it and am too tired to anyway. I need goals. I need some company goals. I need to trick my brain into thinking it is walking though pain to reach a goal. That it’s going to hurt but it’s going to be worth it. I need company goals.
Lots of people. Well not lots, but maybe 6 have said they want to go backpacking with me. It sounds amazing, it sounds fun, it sounds like an adventure… it was. But it was also not any of those things. In the end no one ever actually wants to go. It’s probably like when I say I want to go to Paris. I do not. It sounds great. I just do not. It’s not even in a top ten list of places I want to go. It’s just not a goal.
I can’t even imagine walking in the woods with another grown up for days or even hours. There is so much that seems so personal to me. So much that I’m comfortable with on my own but never before has anyone seen it. It’s why I go there. I can be who I want without any judgement from others. Unless birds judge. Which they often sound like they do. Birds are my company. Good company.
I can’t wrap my brain around waking up in a tent with someone in there. Having company in a tent. Peeing in the woods with someone. Someone I took with me not the someone’s I don’t know are there. Crying in front of someone when I have to convince myself to keep going. Convincing someone else to keep going who is crying. Talking to someone. Or not. Singing my songs and not theirs. Listening to their songs and not mine. Worrying about them. Wandering if they worry about me.
I want someone there. I want company. I don’t know if it’s time unless I just do it. Just deal with the pain. Walk right through the pain that is still so painful to walk through. I’m bored. My last trip was boring. It’s hard to say that since my last trip was on the bluffs of the pictured rocks national lakeshore for 40 plus miles. It was not a place to feel bored. But I often turned to show someone something and no one was there. I didn’t have company. It haunted me my entire trip. So much that I wanted it over and walked 18 miles in a day to end it. I was mad I didn’t have good company. I was mad I didn’t know what good company even was. Mad I was in a place I had to find the place to be in to welcome good company. Mad all I’ve ever known is bad company. I was mad. In one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been.
I’ve never had good company. Not for fishing or hiking, or camping, or cooking or shopping, or dealing…nothing. No good company for so long I am now not sure what it is. I’m also certain I am fine without it. But curious what good company is. Is it someone comfortable enough also with out to be able to just be good company? Someone who also feels a little unsure what it is? Is it just something not to even think of since I have nothing to compare it to except bad? Is it just something, but nothing to even consider and just let happen? Maybe good company will just appear when I quit looking for it? Will I know? I’m usually not paying attention. I’ll walk right by. Never notice. Good company will be missed while looking at something else.
I think it would be fun to fish with someone except all my fishing’s with someone were bad company. So why fish? Because I love to eat fish, I want someone to fish for me but with me but not be bad company. I want good fishing company.
Aspenleaf 