Sit ups and sofas.

What in the world is the universe doing to me?

What are you trying to teach me, show me, tell me?

I am listening, I thought.

You are getting quieter, sneakier, or maybe braver in talking to me.

I am behaving in ways I never have. More forward. More open. More daring. But I am listening I swear. I just don’t know now what is being said. It’s being said in a new way.

You changed the way you talked to me. It’s coming from me. Not you but also you but me.

They say, who they is I don’t know, but someone said, they say the quickest way to get over someone is to think of someone else. It’s also probably in a song.

I have been thinking of someone else. Myself. So much to the point Ive had to at least a dozen times convince myself that I’m not being selfish. Like I’ve been told.

I’ve been focused on myself. Which for me is the most difficult task known to me. Not that it’s me it’s that I don’t focus. Or, I obsessive focus.

I’ve been trying to get back to my reality. Which is reality. Reality bites. Which is an old movie and also reality just bites.

I’ll never meet people if I continue to research the most isolated places known to man to be in. Then get there and get frustrated I am one of maybe 2 people there.

But, I’m never going to meet people if no one is in real time anymore with me. Even in Walgreens people can’t be in real time. People have lost the ability to be with themselves. They aren’t paying attention now that I am learning to.

I picture me hitting him with my car or he hits mine. Like on accident. Because he isn’t paying attention. And I’m also not. He was in some other time looking down at a screen when the universe saw a chance and then I hit him with my car because it happens on a day I am not at my best with my own attention and am likely looking at a small bird. Then he dies. The person not the bird. But not from me hitting him, that was a light tap he brushed off as nothing. He never noticed me just that he ran into something while he was somewhere else.

This won’t happen. But all my scenarios end with, then he died. Because they do. We do. All of us. I wish it weren’t true sometimes yet 80+years of life seems like a good amount of life to be had. Done with gusto even 40 is good. Even 25. Life is good when really lived until it’s over. Reality bites but its worth it. In the end we die.

I am being impatient. I let yesterday rule me by thinking ahead to places and with people not right in front of me. It catapulted me into bizarre conversations, boundaries I never break, barriers I now see were there for reasons yet to be understood, by me. Via the universe. But me.

I am afraid to be happy. I am afraid to be calm and content. I still anticipate the chaos that seems to always erupt in my presence.

So I look for places to be to never allow anything more than what I feel I can handle except I know I am capable and want more.

I can’t do a sit up without someone sitting on my feet. I want to do sit ups now that I’ve thought about them for about 6 minutes I want to be a sit up professional. For about 6 minutes. But I can’t. My legs seem too long to stay down. I can’t sit up from laying down without rolling to the side. It hurts my hips. My tailbone is in the way. I don’t have a sofa for scrunching my feet under to hold me down. I didn’t think of sit ups when I bought my sofa I thought of things under the sofa and that I would love to have one up a little to avoid those lost things. Now I’m annoyed things are still under the sofa and I can just see them better. I always have to go under the sofa and it’s just a 4 inch space so I have to move it. Like I would have for the things I didn’t know were under there. Life under the sofa was better unseen and unknown.

See I’m anxious. Very. I won’t be able today to stop thinking of sofas and sit ups. And who will sit on my feet to do them.

I need to just be more patient. I can see this. When I sit back but not up and look closely. I’m not listening to things like I was. I forgot. For a minute I am the one telling me what to do. That when I tell me what to do the result is directly from me. I forgot for a day I was in charge not him. He tugs at this still. That I couldn’t do it. I can’t.

I sometimes need help from someone to remind me to do it. Stay on task. Focus. Do sit ups. Start somewhere. Follow through. Ignore the birds. Ignore the noises. Drive. I just need someone to say you can. Not you can not. Because I can. I just can’t do sit ups alone.

Yesterday is not a blur. I have very clear memories of the conversations I had. They often get lost when I’m more not in the moment. But I think I was. I think I was for once while also having a conversation. Both. I did both. I listened and offered conversation back. Was it really productive chat? No no really. I looked for the lesson to be learned and the new boundary to be set so I don’t go past that one even though the old one moved a little. I just made new boundaries for myself. Don’t ask people if they like cheesecake.