I just don’t picture a day I will wake to have thousands of dollars appear in my account. I’ve sort of given up on ever being included in the stimulus package of the country. I do need to pay bills and things but I’ll just keep paying them with my regular money that shows up when I work for it. I check too often. I am losing interest. I am tired and losing my attention.
I have to wait for my coffee this morning. I’ve been so spoiled with the little pods of who knows what in it that make my coffee in 40 seconds I forgot how to make it the regular way. I did it once with no water and then once with just a filter. I made hot filtered water. It’s taken me a half hour to have a cup of coffee while I write. I’m writing without it still waiting for it. I’m still waiting.
My homemade laundry soap exploded. Just blew right up when I added the boiling water to the dry mix I was given. It said to. But that’s all it said. It said boil water and add to it. No warnings and no specific type of container just add water. I put the lid on the used laundry container I thought deemed a perfect use for a new laundry container. The lid and bottom of the container exploded from the pressure of the boiling water and likely whatever someone at the church used to make this soap to donate in boxes of things for people who struggle. Like me.
I struggle. I am struggling today. My coffee says it’s done so I pour coffee. I spill the entire cup. And its spilled in a place I will have to move things to clean good. It’s also clearly the wrong coffee. Because it’s quite clear. It’s brown water. It’s a coffee meant for a press which I’ve never gotten right and broke more of than I’ve even owned because I also break other people’s fancy all glass French presss. My coffee is now all over the counter with remnants of a laundry soap explosion. It is made with some weird almond milk creamer. My coffee tastes like nuts someone squeezed milk from. Nothing is right today. Nothing is mine. I’m trying to live with other people’s things they gave me so I can just live.
I have a hundred or so tiny creamers I can open if I wanted to. I thought of sitting and making it a thing to do. Like sit and watch Gilmore girls while opening creamers to put them into a larger container so I can have cream for my coffee tomorrow without having to open three when I don’t want to open any. It doesn’t sound like a thing to do. I also don’t want to open them individually as I need them. It’s a lot of waste. I have so many little packaged things from these food boxes I don’t know what to do with them. Jelly, cream, honey, cream cheese, sugar, even little things of frozen fruit so small I can’t figuré out what I will ever do with them.
I need back on track. Back on my mission of life and not sitting now upset over spilled coffee small containers and exploded laundry soap. They seem too many things to handle. I’m rather curious of the method to get almond milk and am fighting the urge to find out if they are squeezed or soaked or what. What happens to a dried almond. Lacking his milk. Are there bags of dried almond. I sort of thought a nut was dry.
I could use some of these small things for a backpack trip yet I picture never getting to go again. It’s just not feasible anymore. My dad is dead and my mom is alone, my kids dad is mia and I am also alone. The parks are closed and once opened will be rampant with people who don’t understand the proper use of the parks. They were already there.
I was getting frustrated with the over use of parks. Not just parks but the big trails and the lightly used trails slowly changing to moderate to heavy. I think they should limit their use at least some of them. Maybe, it’s good to encourage people to love the outdoors but the universe is telling us it’s too many. Make people have to get a permit and only allow so many on it. Maybe even close them for awhile. Oh wait. We are doing that now.
They need time to restore. All of us. The whole world needs back on the mission for life. I rested one single day and I am on day three of feeling unrested from resting. I keep going. There are energizer bunny people. I am one. I gave in when others convinced me to stop. I didn’t listen to my body I listened to what someone said. My body hurts yes. But it hurts to live sometimes. My knees are fine. I needed like a small rest. Not a stop and rest for a day. I rested too long and now feel I need a 2000 mile walk to get back on track.
I drank an energy drink because I know they will burn through me so quick it will cause me to want to move faster for a minute. Increase my heart rate unnaturally and burn my eyeballs. But that’s it. Then I pee and feel nothing but my eyes dried up. I don’t fuel up this way.
I know how to push myself. I also know when I need to stop. It wasn’t time. I will when I need to. I listened to the interstate in my head for two and a half hours early this morning before I finally fell asleep. then I woke to my alarm a half an hour later. Then just messed up everything about my morning right away.
My mission is to live my life and love who I am. Then I will rest.
Aspenleaf 