This week will mark some significant changes. The country is opening more. Specifically my state. We are one of the last. Our governor seems just that. A governor. Controlling. We don’t have a great track record of governing. We are likely still on that track. I also don’t really follow the government. I didn’t even know who this guy was until this corona business. I told my dad “who is this guy making all these rules!?” He says. “Thats your governor my dear.” So now I know.
I’m tired of seeing his face. I just am. He looks smug with his furrowed serious eyebrow trying to look business and bossy. I am to the point I picture him as a bobble head. Just kind of bobbling. He ruined my grief. He made it so I had to go down avenues to grieve my dad that didn’t really help me grieve my dad. I should have been able to pack up and go. Be on my own for a few days in the woods. That’s just what I do. Take it to the woods and I haven’t gotten to and it’s been weeks and I can feel it burning right through me. I am close to losing it. I need this outlet in my good days. So the fact I can’t access them like I should on bad days is like torture.
I am displacing my anger. I’m sure of it. It’s not him a blame. But it’s him I blame today. So I don’t have to blame who? Me? Or someone else? The universe is who. God is who. I want to blame who I believe or don’t believe is responsible. No good will come of questioning the moves made by a higher power. But I can question moves made by my local government. I can’t do anything about it currently, but I can vote. And I will be voting. Educated and everything.
Phew! That’s seemed so stuck up in my mind. It’s been eating at me all through the night. My park I would normally go to in the summer is closed indefinitely. Not about to reopen or anything. And I googled this before I went to bed. I’m not supposed to google before bed. Or really ever. It gets stuck.
I googled whether or not I could own a pet owl. I can not. There are bird laws protecting them. There are actually a lot of bird laws in general not just specific to owls. I can’t even put a feather from some birds in my hair. I’m not sure why I would since I am not currently an Indian just have a little in my blood.
Anyway, I found a baby owl. She had been abandoned in my mind. Simply because I didn’t see her mother anywhere for a couple of days. If it had been a human baby I would be allowed to intervene. Not keep the baby but help and report. The owl, even when reported can’t be moved unless it’s a specific trained person. Now I want to be this trained person. You aren’t supposed to get involved with nature in this manner. The mom owl could be teaching this baby something important like how to be an owl. She is probably watching from afar as some strange human approaches the baby. Baby is to just sit and blink cutely and maybe hiss but not approach. Mom taught her this. Stay put she said. Same rules apply when lost as a human child. Stay put. Mom will find you. Maybe blink and hiss.
I wanted this owl. Just so it would stay alive and I would be certain it did. There just is no certainty like this. I don’t know that I could have kept up on feeding an owl. Same as a baby deer I once found abandoned but likely not abandoned. I left it. I was 20 miles into a 40 mile hike. I don’t know if I thought I was going to carry a baby deer that far. Or what. Again if it was a human I wouldn’t have felt I had a choice. I left the deer to let nature take its coarse. It’s 2 years later and I still wonder about this deer.
Needless to say I won’t be having a pet owl. The rules say so. It was cute and it had the most interesting eyes I’ve ever seen. not the eyeballs itself but the eyelids and the lashes. The lashes looked like fake lashes.
I have plenty of pets. For now. I told a random stranger I missed my chickens. Because that’s what I do now. Share. But not quite share. Occasionally over share. I imagine I left him feeling confused why I would say this. I do miss the chickens, but I don’t. Mine were mean and chased me and my dogs. They gave me more grief than eggs. And right now I have enough grief and can buy eggs at the store a block away. But I miss the whole collective memory around them.
I miss the country. I am just not a city girl. I am enjoying it for its convenience but the convenience is wearing thin. I have zero problems now thinking of having to drive a few miles more to a store. I can’t see the sky. I can’t hear the woods. I can’t wonder to the creek anymore. I can’t go to my garden when I can’t sleep. I can’t do so much.
I dreamt of my old life last night. It was intertwined with my no sleep, too hot from scorched sunburnt skin, trouble breathing from anxiety building up over grief unresolved. But I eventually dreamt. Which I suppose means I eventually slept. I went to bed angry over googled news. News of a park closed in a state that isn’t even mine. Then woke and blamed my governor. It’s also federal land. This decision is bigger than local. I also agree. But don’t. I was thinking of myself and my needs. I’m supposed to be doing this. But when it comes to the natural world it comes first. Not me. It is there for me not me there for it.
If all the parks open too fast they will do just that. Open too fast. The use will exceed their use. The ground trampled. The litter I can’t even imagine. Trees destroyed. Rocks carved into to mark moments in time. People falling off of cliffs for photos by the hundreds. Who knows what will happen. The island needs to be left closed. Safe. There are sensitive research programs going on. The land will have time to rest. The wolves time to adjust. The rare flowers time to bloom. They still bloom even if no one sees them. Everyone will be coming out of the woodwork soon. Like caged animals they are going to flee to open land. I don’t blame them. But won’t be joining them. Soon places like the grocery store and my garden center will have less people. Keep my island closed and I will wait for it.
I slept better than I didn’t. I wore myself out yesterday gardening. Making a garden for my dad, my mom and myself. I have never felt so alive. I just don’t need a day of rest. I can feel my sore muscles. My hands hurt from weeding. My cuticles destroyed. Broke nails. Sunburnt. Blister and splinters. Purpose of life. But I woke angry. I will have to watch my mouth and my mind today. Even though I’m not really angry about my park closed or the governor of my state. I am angry my dad died.
Aspenleaf 