I yelled at my coffee to brew. Twice. I’m too anticipating of it finishing so I can finally have cream in my coffee. I finally bought it. My cats keep skirtn around my feet trying to pet themselves. I can’t sit at my table to write. They are irritating. I’m irritated and antsy.
My elbow hurts and I’m worried the joint is infected from a piece of a palm tree thorn I can’t see stuck in there. I even googled to see if this is a thing. Its a thing. I also googled read one thing and un-googled. The places the thorns got me are all swollen and painful. I felt lightheaded and off last night. I also bumped my elbow on something completely in the place it’s always been. I just teetered more yesterday into things. I didn’t hit the elbow enough for it to hurt as bad as it does this morning. I do use my elbow a lot. My arms swing when I walk as if I might take off in flight soon and I lift and move plants all day long. That joint is really used.
I was just off balance all day. Everything was in my way. Even if it was the corner of a wall. A have sore toes and the top of my foot is bruised from hitting it under something. Like I put my foot slightly under the fork lift then lifted it quickly to hurt it. I hit my foot with my water wand. I was swinging it around like i usually do and smacked the same spot on top my foot. I hit my head on the bobcat machine getting out. I get out of this machine more than my car.
I nested. I need everything to be in place all of a sudden and it doesn’t seem to all have places. So I have to make places. I need some simple order and control very quickly because the simple order and control of myself is losing it.
I need time alone. This time this is the correct word and the correct use of it. Alone from my kids. I need space from them. It’s been over 3 months they haven’t gone to their dads. For more reasons than the virus. They go this evening for their first weekend. Both girls are very concerned about this. I share their concern but know they will be ok. Because I need to be ok. I need time alone. Not just time on my own. I need alone time where I can not be bothered by the needs of small people. Or the special needs of people. I need to be alone and get lost.
My dad died and I haven’t cried alone at all. I cry everywhere I feel I shouldn’t be crying. In public, in my store, in the grocery store, in my car, in my dads garage….all surrounded by other people. I haven’t walked exhausted up a hillside and frustrated with the fact I don’t research trails properly before going. I haven’t filtered water. Looked at the sky under the trees but above them. I haven’t cussed out the world. Thrown rocks off ledges. Throw rocks in water. Set my feet n the cool soil. One weekend may not even be enough. I am losing control of myself and need to remind myself how resilient I am. I am forgetting.
I propositioned 2 people now for sex. I feel like I’m on my third. None have entertained this proposition. For one one is a friend. Also a friend I barely know. A new friend through a friend. So really just a mutual friend. I asked my one friend if he thought he would do it and he said yup. So I made a plan to ask and just did. I said. Do you like cheesecake? And he said yes. Then I said. Oh I meant sex. He said yes to this also. Then just asked. He didn’t say no but is likely now thoroughly confused. I know I am. I’m not going to have sex with this mutual friend. It’s ridiculous. I am feeling desperate and also exploring my boundaries. I went way over one. Or I made a new one. A new one, definitely a new one.
Im not attached to anyone. I am single. I don’t know things I like and don’t like and never will if I don’t try. But I’ve felt this way before and it got me into scenarios I never want to get into again. I slept with someone to see what was wrong with me. That was my only goal. I also made it clear this was my goal. Turns out that was what was wrong with me. I was looking for something in others that I couldn’t find for myself. I am capable of finding myself. I have before. I’ve felt this lost before.
A week of shit coffee has made this cup taste like the most amazing thing I’ve ever had. There could be a second cup. But a second cup doesn’t taste like a first cup. The taste of waking up.
I won’t fall back into that pattern. I still feel desperate but it’s not specific to sex. It’s specific to intimacy. And for me this is a very emotional intimate thing. If someone doesn’t know what I’m like inside my mind and still accepts me they can’t even get within 7 feet of me. I also am unlikely to say what’s in this mind. Someone would have to know I have a place I write and read to understand that I still don’t understand myself. They would have to read my journals I keep hidden. Buried even. I want to be accepted even if I don’t say what’s in my mind to them. I want them to just know somehow.
I have this someone. He’s the most important person in my life right now. He is very distant. Physically and emotionally. He is me only quiet. If he said more than he did I would panic. If he was closer than he is I would back away. It may be who I just am. It may be something that will change as I evolve into something else. I don’t know. I am always evolving. Although right now it feels like circling. I’m back into something I was and need to ré-evolve.
He is states away right now. He also has a way of feeling like he is right here with me. I can imagine it. I can feel things that can’t be seen. I can feel things other can’t. It’s not a super power. It’s a fantastic coping skill I have. I can get to place I feel someone is with me with my imagination. Except it can cause me grief. Like now. Because grief is surfaced. So wishing someone was here doesn’t feel like they are right now. Because I know wishing someone is still here won’t actually bring them back. So right now I can’t wish anyone was here. I wish everyone gone. So I can cry alone lost in the woods.
I found a trail I want to do. The map of it shows some terrain. A lot of switchbacks. A lot of water crossings. A lot of miles. It’s a loop. The kind I need so I can loop. Start and finish where I started. Circle back. re-evolve Not just the convenience of getting back to my car but it always helps me untangle my thoughts. Plus I don’t have to walk into the woods then turn around and walk back out. I see nothing twice. I do love in and out trails sometimes. Just to see it from a different angle. I don’t need the same view at a different angle I need all different angles right now.
I don’t research a trail. Ever. I look at the map and see what I could get into. I never read reviews. I never google further. I don’t need to know that one person thought the trail was marked well and the other didn’t. Or that one thought it was easy and another didn’t. Or that there is a down tree at mile marker 2. It is like reading your horoscope before the start of the day. I need to go into a trail with an open mind of what I will get from it. Not others. I don’t need to know what to follow or how to. I just need a map. Which isn’t always true either. I like the surprise of not knowing. Which is funny because I hate surprises. I keep a compass with me in case I ever need to stay a specific direction to get back out. But for the most part you just don’t leave the trail. Don’t wonder the woods aimlessly.
I had one time that I panicked. I took a trail with the goal of watching sunset. Like getting up to the top and sitting to watch the sun go down. And not try to will the sun down. Hurry it. I reached the top 3 hours before sunset. That’s lot of waiting for someone who can’t wait. But I did. I sat. With my feet dangling over and watched day turn to night. I didn’t read, wonder. Looks for rocks. Just sat. I was so bored. It was the most difficult thing I have done. Not true. I’ve done difficult things and waiting for sunset is not one. But that moment it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. You feel this way in all difficult things.
Anyway. Sunset. As it always does. Only I watched. Then I didn’t want to leave. I wanted watch further. But then realized I would be walking back in the almost dark. The woods gets dark fast. This trail was also mostly walking on glades. The worst to follow. People stack rocks and use things to point for you to stay on trail. I did not stay on trail. Then I was following a dry creek bed. Then wondering aimlessly through a dark woods in southern Missouri.
I pictured dying. And being found like 100 feet from my car. This was just a little 4 mile trail. I also didn’t pack my compass and had no cell service. Or a cell. I left everything in the car. I turned around and headed back up. And started over and found where I went wrong. I just went wrong. This may not be good trail advice but it worked in this trail scenario. In a store we tell kids to stay and be found. Not look for us. We tell them to look for people who look official to help. What do we tell them in the woods lost? You are not lost. That’s what we tell them. There is always a way out. I’m proof. I’m a terrible navigator and even I would not sign up to be lead in the woods by me. But following me can lead to some incredible adventure. Lost and found then lost and found again.
It’s time for me to get lost then found again.
Aspenleaf 