I can hear the early birds. You know, the ones that get the worms. I have been awake all night with the night owls and now it’s early bird morning and I’m tired and have to wake so I might as well stay awake.
I took a Benadryl because my arm is swollen by my elbow from a thorn I pulled out and my eyes are watering. This should make me sleepy. At minimum drowsy but it makes me not sleepy not drowsy but awake and antsy. My eyes are also still watering because they are very open. I intentionally cried to see if I’m just too full of moisture. I can intentionally cry. Because I’m sad. And I miss a few people and places I love. My heart is beating under my blanket and I can see it beating.
I am alone. Not just on my own but alone. I’m both. Because there isn’t a single person here. There are lots of people in general but none here. It isn’t as lonely as I thought and also is. I’m on my own, alone and lonely. A terrible mix. Except the birds. The birds are up because I’m not convinced they ever sleep either. I have heard them all night and all morning.
I am walking and typing. Who knows how this will go. I’ve been off balance the last couple of days so it seems a bad idea. I woke early. No I slept an hour and woke a little later to early to walk to work. It will take a few hours. I have a trail that runs straight through my town to work but it’s miles away. I’m going to explore the plants a little this morning. Early morning. Before everyone else is out. Except the early birds. People won’t be as early since they were all out late on the streets socially distancing and living life. I am relieved that so many will be back in other places soon.
My kids left for the weekend with their dad. First weekend since the stay at home order. Plus a little more for reasons he had. My only responsibility is to myself for a couple of days.
The crows are extremely chatty. And there are a lot. So far I have the trail to myself. Usually it is busy. Or lately it is. But it’s been the only place people can go who had to stay at home. Like my greenhouse. Now people can go other places.
More places are open. Just some places. I don’t even know what places. I don’t want to google news because now it is hatred and protests and riots. All I know is all the people for a month have been around me and I didn’t get a stay at home order so I’m sort of ready for them to be other places so I can also be other places I want to be. To grieve my losses.
I was thinking of a new career in the night owl hours. Lepidopterist is someone who studies and collects moths and butterflies. If I was just an entomologist I would know bugs. But this field would make it specific. I love moths and butterflies. I could have a job where I just look for moths and butterflies. I sort of do. Except the moths and butterflies find me. I work with plants so I can be around bugs. I don’t have to look for them they are where I am. This is just something I do. Think of other things to be than who I am.
Why do we think differently of ourselves from what others see and believe of us?
I am very new at trusting myself. Doubt is creeping in because of the newness. The last time I felt a loss this big was the end of a marriage. It died too. I made terrible decisions from lack of knowing not to. I had no control of myself. Not even a little. I had no clear mind. Now I have clear mind and control.
It’s scarier than I think it should feel to feel trust in myself when I should feel no doubt if I trust myself. I should have no fear. I do. I’m full of it. You can’t really learn to trust unless you don’t first. It’s just new. It’s bringing thoughts I am unfamiliar with. Certainty. I am not doubting myself.
I can do this. I can get through this. I have been through lots of things. Thinking of them a little could help. Pulling at old wounds and picking them can remind us of the pain and the lesson. It’s stopping. Scratch a little and remind yourself then stop.
My eyes are watering and my hands are freezing. All birds are early birds. And late birds and day birds. There are thousands of birds, I am not alone. I have walked right into a sign. I’m not paying attention at all to my walk. I don’t even remember crossing about 6 street crossings. I have been chased off by a blue jay. They are mean. They even sound mean. I’m guessing she was upset I was looking at plants too close to something important to her. Like baby blue jays.
If I can make it this far I can make it further.
Aspenleaf 