It begins by saying I slept. So I’m telling it backwards. Just from midnight until 4:39. 9 minutes past my alarm. I don’t remember sleeping. I panicked and knocked everything over when I heard my alarm. Lamp, books. and all. I scared the cat. Maybe even woke the neighbors. My cat is still staring at me like I’m crazy and tried to attack her with a lamp. I’ve woke like this before. Usually it’s from a feeling of being held down or in something. Or a tornado or exhausting chase. Today I woke just unsure of waking. Like it was so unfamiliar I didn’t know how to wake properly. How to just open my eyes and see the world again. Stretch and yawn and then throw my feet to the ground and take a second to rub my neck and look at something then get up and face the day. No forethought or after thought time. Just time to wake.
Before this I was chatting with friends and getting to know them. I didn’t over share. I just shared. I asked a few questions not a million. I felt comfortable and safe. I opened up in ways I have just to a therapist. Nothing felt like shame or regret. Some felt like desire for another and from another. All so new. Should have kept me stirred all up for the night. I fell asleep without any warning. I was prepared to have to research blue herons and what to do when you find giant fish trapped in a puddle from a spillway. I didn’t have time to research because I fell asleep with no notice.
Before that I had company. I wanted company. I went through countless people in my mind who might be good company and came up with a small list. Reached out and invited them and the company said yes. Same thing. I didn’t feel threatened or afraid or skiddish. A little heat from another body that didn’t have a temperature from a fever. Someone standing close to me to look at fish and behind and around me to point them out so I could also see them. They were trapped from being dumped from rain over a spillway. They looked like they had just gave up. They were just not going anywhere because there was no where to go. I wanted them all saved. I have a net at work. I wanted to call and demand the rangers come take care of this mess. I wanted to catch one with my bare hands and carry him to his big lake. I wanted to carry them all. I had to leave them. Their fate is decided.
Even before that I walked in the woods with another person. Someone who isn’t my dad or my kids. And we both came out. I wasn’t left and he didn’t leave. He called me his guide once. One trail said it was self guided but to my knowledge all the trails are guided by yourself out there. They have no guides. It dawned on me that it was the 7 signs posted around trees identifying them. It was a self guided moment to learn what was around you. I always know what is around me. Signs in the woods are a distraction to me.
Before that we sat in my campsight I usually camp in. Number 5. Halfway in from both directions of the backpack trail. The farthest point from either way in. No one ever picks this one. It takes too long to carry things to and is the farthest from the toilets. We ate sushi. Weird choice but I was craving sushi in the woods. We shared a smoke of weed. My first time. Ever. It shocked him. It shocks even me. I’m too afraid to know. It was spicy. I felt nothing but confusion on how to stand to hold it and how to walk and be with a joint in my hand. It’s never been in my hand. I was safe and with a safe person. He promised. I was in the woods. I don’t think I felt anything but a rapid heart beat and nerves that I was behaving oddly. Which I kept asking and he kept assuring I wasn’t. It worked my anxiety up. I could just tell from the heart though not the mind. I wasn’t really thinking of anything except once felt like I might want to stare at grass reflecting in the water but a man was on the edge of the water and thought I was staring at him. I kept staring at him.
Before that I was on the water with someone in a boat. I would still be there if my life and one hour only boat rules didn’t apply. We just sat and floated on the middle of the lake on a shared kayak. No where to be for an hour except with the blue heron hunting the shore. I asked him if he wanted the front or the back and he without hesitation said back. I was relieved. That was my dads spot. Temporarily my spot with my kids but not where I like to be. I don’t like to drive the boat. I like to look from the boat and sometimes paddle. I had little to do but sit. So I sat. And was paddled. I was boated. That’s always been a fear of mine. A strange conversation with someone uncertain where he belongs in the boat leaving me to decide. I like that to just be decided or known. That I don’t drive the boat. I won’t boat us. Just point at things to look at from the front and be boated. Grief is heavy and hard enough. I don’t have it in me to boat others.
Before that I picked a person up and put them in my car. Someone older than 16. He looked too big for my car. He didn’t care that I don’t care about air conditioning and music on. He sat like a puppy with his head out the window for most of the ride and just said things. He filled me in on why I passed protestors in our streets. That black lives matter. So do all lives we agreed. I don’t want to get involved but the pressure to chose a side will be great when it evolves into something that makes everyone afraid of each other more. I won’t be able to pick a side because I will have to chose me. To protect me. People are just kind of people to me. All kinds of people make us turn. It’s going to terrify me to no end. It is almost a relief that news has shifted from virus to indifference. The virus brought the indifference out. It shed light on what people believe and are afraid of and now we can’t stop. Or be stopped. It’s a scary time.
Before this I visited the garden I have begun. I call it my victory garden. Because this spring has felt like a war. It needed watered and a few bind weed pulled from the edge of the rabbit fence my dad built. I have lost one tomato. It had broke off when I planted it and it gave up. It was the pineapple one. One I didn’t really want or need but was curious about. I may replace it. Everything else is pushing a new set of leaves. I need tomato cages and some straw for a small planter box I didn’t put anything in. It just needed a small visit.
Before that I bought sushi to eat in the woods with a friend. I picked some I’ve never had. I was getting anxious about waiting and starting to think I was going to be on my own for the day. Then talked myself out of this about a dozen times which is less than the normal hundred.
Before that I watched Grey’ Anatomy for about 4 hours. I skipped 5 seasons after a simple google search told me McDreamy died in 11 and they are on 16. Do I really need the 5 in between. Nope. Lots of them died and it seems they don’t matter to where the show is now. So I’m all caught up by not catching up. I didn’t spend an entire day watching 6 seasons of shows. Just half. I text him at one point to say I was slowly falling down a binge watching trap. He hurried. He has a ton of responsibilities. As do most grown ups. I was fine waiting but getting almost not fine waiting. I hide my lack of patience for just long enough.
Before that I didn’t sleep and didn’t drive far away to hike alone. Quickly. To try and hurry a grief process up that can’t be rushed. I needed space from myself for a day. This trip still needs done. It needs forethought. It needs at minimum planned to allow me time to not be able to push myself. I may need to stop and rest from grief too much to keep walking for awhile, not push through it. Grieve through it. Slowly.
Before that my dad died.
Back to now from before. I am crying because of the last before that. All of them before that were to get me to now before that happened. Or from? He will always be the last before that. Before that he was alive. It was ok after that last before that because I found comfort with company. It took pressure off of me. To get through all of the befores to wake to today from sleep I don’t remember.
Aspenleaf 