Company

I haven’t written for a few weeks. Or maybe two. I don’t recall without looking. It’s just been awhile.

I found company. Someone to talk to, hike with, drive with and just in general be miserable with. We share a recent loss. We are both grieving but not. Misery loves company? Except we really aren’t miserable. We are company.

I may be uncalmable. It could just be this way. I slept one night in my tent. I didn’t remember falling asleep, I heard the frogs and the night all awake and just didn’t want to be awake with the the things in the night. So I slept. Then woke. Confused I slept. Trying so hard to recall falling asleep. Nothing happened. I just slept and everything else that was awake stayed awake.

I tried weed. To sleep or at least feel calm. It doesn’t work. I’m either doing it wrong or I don’t have the receptors that are clingy to weed. Or I fight it. Afraid to be calm. At one point I do remember feeling like their were a lot of trees. Just everywhere. That I never stop and look at the light on the leaves. I just go. No time to look at light. I sat, then looked then promptly began walking again. I was stopped for maybe one full minute.

I haven’t been able to write. I am not a writer so it’s not writers block. It’s I don’t want to see what’s in my mind all the time for awhile. It is too much and it isn’t easily worked through. I was and am lonely. I put this energy out there and the universe responded by putting someone in my path to help me for awhile.

I’m being taken care of for awhile. Not really but sort of. I’m helped up hills and up things with a strength I can’t seem to get right now. I’m driven places. Fed. Hydrated. I can’t do these things myself right now. I should be able to but I can’t. I’m very independent. I would rather crawl up a hill than ask for help. But the hand appeared and I took it. I can’t even crawl.

He is going to become a great friend. I can feel his loss. I imagine he feels mine. We have a common bond. Loss brings people together. It never did me but I never lost my father. This void is too big. He was my person. The one who’s hand I would take. The one who showed me how to take care of myself. The one who isn’t here anymore.

Parks are crowded. We have gone somewhere every weekend and found some so crowded we left. I spend all week with small people and don’t really want to go where people take 3-6 kids to enjoy nature. It’s not fun. I’ve done it. It is never about you. It is specifically about your kids. It’s a nightmare yet the most important time to make the impression on them to be good stewards of land. Although it seemed very little of this was happening. Parents leaving litter. Teaching kids to carve into stones and trees. Music blaring. Climbing rocks off trail trampling sensitive plant life.

People are desperate to be out. The virus has made people want to be everywhere. I can share. I also know how to find where and when people don’t go. I’ve been avoiding people for years.

I struggle daily. To just do daily. I am still growing plants to make up for all the plants people wanted grown. Now we still needs more.

I struggle to write out any single thought and also all of them. I don’t want to see them back. Not right now. My focus is on company. Not company is too hard. Waking early and writing is too hard. Sitting alone is too hard. Working is too hard. Walking up a hill is too hard. Too hard is my thing. Except it can’t be done right now. I need too easy. I am weak. I told this to an employee one day. Her dog died and she couldn’t work. She said she didn’t want us to think she was weak. I don’t always think before speaking and said. But you are weak. She cried. But she is. I am. It’s also ok. She took more time off for her dog than I did for my dad. That says I’m trying too hard not to be weak. Not to be sad. I should have taken some time to be sad. It’s catching up on me. I working to avoid the sad. Now the sad is right at my heels weighing me down.

Feeling weak doesn’t mean you are. Weak doesn’t mean the opposite of strong. It is strong being weighed down by loss. I am a very strong lady. Physically, mentally and emotionally. People battling cancer are strong until they are made to feel weak, not be weak. They are still strong. Just burdened. Why I used cancer I don’t know but the image of a woman battling a cancer is what came to mind. I don’t compare my loss to this just the feeling of being a strong woman weighted down by something so big it makes me feel weak.

So for a little while I need friends. They have to help me through this. All 6 of them. I need them. They all help me in various ways. By being my company for a time I can not be my own company. I do my own company well but right now I’m terrible company.

I also have ticks. Still. I keep finding them. I brought them back from the 19 mile hike I’m southern Missouri that nearly had us lost. I think they are being born in my hair. Making their own company. I don’t have someone to look thoroughly through my hair. I made a hair appointment for just this. She doesn’t know yet but she is going to look for bugs. People use lice shampoo for lice and I’ve wondered if this could work. I spend a lot of time outdoors so I could just have bugs. A good insecticide might be needed. I don’t know. I have washed a spider from my hair before. Dogs get fleas. It needs a special shampoo. Regular shampoo might not eradicate insect eggs.

I need to get back to writing daily. To be comfortable with my company and thoughts again. I’ve been avoiding them. For company. But even my new company needs to know I need my own company sometimes. Not just company from bugs and others. My own. I am good company. Just weak company. But strong. Soon.