Have you ever taken one of those quizzes? You know the ones that ask you questions like what would you rather do or be? Or what do you most do? Ones that you take with out thinking or thinking too much? Say it’s your spirit animal? There are quizzes to relate yourself to an animal you might associate with. I didn’t like the animal I was given based on the over thinking and under thinking of the questions. I panicked half way through. I started to answer to try and manipulate my results. I wanted a cool animal. I was given the butterfly. Is this even really and animal? It’s more like an insect. Which is an animal so yes. I just don’t usually see a butterfly and think animal. But right now I am seeing them everywhere. They are outside and so am I. This is what a spirit animal butterfly says about me:
The butterfly is one of the most emblematic totem animals symbolizing personal transformation. If you see the butterfly as your totem or spirit animal, pay attention to the areas in your life or personality that are in need of profound change or transformation. Perhaps, this animal totem guides you to be sensitive to your personal cycles of expansion and growth, as well as the beauty of life’s continuous unfolding. An important message carried by the spirit of the butterfly is about the ability to go through important changes with grace and lightness.
- Powerful transformation, metamorphosis in your life, personality
- Moving through different life cycles
- Renewal, rebirth
- Lightness of being, playfulness
- Elevation from earthly matters, tuning into emotional or spiritual
- The world of the soul, the psyche
That’s all fine. Except I don’t want to always be transforming. I feel like that’s all I do. I don’t like to handle change with grace and lightness, I need reminded. I suppose that’s why I am in tune with a butterfly. When I see a butterfly I don’t think of grace and lightness or change and rebirth. I think of why they keep getting in my greenhouse and dying. Stuck. Torn up in fans. Caught in webs. They are constantly in danger. From chemicals; vehicles, spiders, strong winds.
When a butterfly lands on my shoulder I tell myself that it is someone from the dead coming to land on my shoulder. I change dead people who visit in this creature. Not a spiritual awakening or rebirth. Or maybe it is?
Can I manipulate this test any more? I want to take it again and think of my answers. Maybe I didn’t really think. I love water. But also land and suns and moons and wind and light. I can’t pick one. Why won’t it let me pick them all? Why is it just one answer? I kept taking the test to try and get a different animal. I’m manipulating spirit animal tests when I can’t sleep right now. What animal is this?
Maybe mine is really a person. If they can consider a butterfly a spirit animal than a person can be too. Maybe they should just say spirit creatures or beings.
I feel like I could relate to any animal. That at various times animals appear to me, as if guiding me. Because that is what I pretend they are doing. Or they symbolize something. I often see 4 animals of the same kind. Not unusual in itself given I spend 100% of my free time in the woods. Where the creatures are. I pretend they are my kids. Each animal there with me saying, hey it’s all the kids, here with you I’m the form of forest creatures.
I think if I really think I could see how when a specific creature appears I could believe it is there as an awakening or a sign from the universe. I see thousands of butterflies though. Maybe not thousands but like ten or so a day that are there because I am surrounded by their food source as a grower. I am outdoors all the time.
I am always where fox are. I used to see fox consistently. But I also kept leaving my trash bag in an outside pocket of my backpack luring them to me. I am often in tricky situations that require fox like skills. I can adapt easily to unusual environments, i can be quick and assess situations quickly. I am skilled at maneuvering around obstacles. I am in fox environment and mind set.
I see a million rabbits. Not kidding, they breed like rabbits so they are everywhere. I don’t show affection well to others or express happiness. I express doubt and concern. Fear. I am happy overall but not like rabbit spirit animal happy even though they cross my path on every path I’m on as they express their fertility, which I am since I have 4 kids plus 2 I lost.
I see hawks. They are looking for food. Often circling around scoping the ground from above. They are intuitive. I am not. I am on the ground where their intuition says food is. I am not their food, they know. Their intuition says I’m not. Mine says I don’t have a natural intuition. I have limited focus. However I can take the lead if needed. I am not in my mind someone to follow yet I can lead. To where? Not even I know but I’m leading you. I’m your spirit creature that has no specific spirit creature.
I see turtles. I surround myself with places that have water. You have to really stop and watch a turtle. They have lots of places to go not very quickly. It is saying slow down lady. Stop and pay attention to the path. Get me off the road. Take a minute and move me off the road. Pace yourself this world is fast and busy and you need to let it be and slow down. Why are you trying to get everywhere so quick. Follow me. Slowly.
I suppose since I am seeing the butterfly often right now I am to be paying attention to the current transformation in my life. The next new form of me that says it’s time to transform. But also the butterfly is in abundance now given it’s own transformation.
As I sit I am wondering why my panties wear at the crotch. Not wear. Ware. What is going on with this? It’s the one spot they get holes and the one place that does the least. I expect a ripped seem or tear at the waist or around the leg but smack dab in the middle of the crotch is a hole in one of the two layers. This isn’t the first time. They are old. Maybe ten years. This could be why. Fabric fails. But why there.
I learned today my brother in law and sister have covid. The Rona. I’m worried since he is a recipient of a double lung transplant years ago from suffering from pulmonary hypertension after an undiagnosed heart condition at birth. He may not survive this. You never know how real something is until it’s real. And happening to you. Like airplane crashes, or cancer, or anything too unreal to believe it could happen to you. But stuff happens.
The last thing I text my dad was about his phone cord. I took him a new phone cord, a McDonald’s Apple pie, and a Pepsi. They still didn’t know what was wrong with him. I told him they shouldn’t just guess. He said. They had a theory not a diagnosis. It still sounded like guessing to me. He never answered when I asked if he needed anything. He just died. His apple pie and Pepsi tasted like metal he told my mom. Then died. I never got the phone cord from when they moved him to ICU from regular care.
I saw my ex yesterday. He looked like my ex for the first time since being my ex. He looked like the man I fell in love with. But I wasn’t in love with him anymore and he wasn’t me. He didn’t look like all the people he seemed to be trying out these past few years. I was wildly attracted to him. It is bothering me today. I don’t want him but want someone and see someone in everyone. But mostly saw him for the first time again. I know I will never go back. Our history is too much history. It would be like going back to war and just kind of calling it a truce and just going back to normal. Just kind of saying I never thought it was your fault. Too many hard and harsh and fast and furious words and actions said to ever call a truce.
I am transforming. I can feel it. I’m ready to expose my heart and mind, to show vulnerable with no fear, to have my heart broken to learn the hard lessons the broken pieces teach you when put back together. All my spirit creatures in the places I go are in my path. I relate to them all. The ones I see. I wouldn’t likely relate to a mountain lion until I’m in places a mountain lion are. Do people have spirit animals such as this if they never leave the city? Now that is a spirit creature. Walking down the streets and out comes a mountain lion. I suppose it depends on how you answer the questions.
Do I want to be hurt in the end? No. No one does. I try not to live with no end in mind. I live with the beginning. Everything ends. It’s the live before the end time. The time to unfold wet wings and fly I suppose. Like butterflies do. Just enjoying the beauty of life’s continuous unfolding..
Or maybe I want to skydive… not fly, but fall.
In love.
Aspenleaf 