Have a good day.

My daughter is seven. She woke yesterday and thanked me for keeping her alive this long. So sweetly. It shocked me a little bit, my first thought was, it’s been tough. Then I thought, she knows how tough this life can be. She loves me too much some days. She and I are as close as my dad and I were. Are. She worries when she doesn’t know where I am. She told me once she thought I died when I had to have her grandpa get her one day. She was also this close to her grandpa. Once I picked her up and not him and she said, did grandpa die? He has been like a father to her.

We are taking his boat out for the day. It needs to be boated. I need to boat and boat others.

I don’t know how things work. I feel like I just wish someone would try for me once. Just once I wish someone would fight for me or pick me. Dating in this age is difficult. I don’t connect through social sites so I’m not in the loop. I am disconnected from others for so long I don’t know how to connect.

I thought someone liked me. I think he did but it is so confusing that he also likes someone else at the same time. We are in different places. I don’t compete for people. He said it isn’t a competition. Except for her it was. She was drilling me for information. I offer information without thinking what it might be used for. She is younger, like him. I can’t compete with younger and available. I am older and not.

I thought it was going to be so great to have someone to hike with. But we pushed past a boundary that makes the fact he shares time with others awkward for me.

I keep waiting for my Lyme disease medicine to make my stomach hurt like I was told it would. I have the weakest stomach I know. I’ve not eaten with the medicine. I barley drink water with it and so far nothing. I drank a protein drink and then promptly threw it up. It felt like a rock landed in my stomach. I can’t figure this not wanting to eat thing out. I don’t have an eating disorder. I never struggled with weight. I can eat. Except right now I can’t.

I wanted to just be the chosen one I guess. It’s silly girl things. So I backed away. I can’t risk it. I would be opening up not just me but my kids to potential heart ache. I’m their safe place and I was once my safe place before my dad died.

My dad died making me feel like I need someone. And I do. And I don’t. It’s both. I found someone else who was in the same place. From the beginning I knew it wasn’t right. The reasons to be around each other were wrong. I also ignored all kinds of flags that said not a good idea. I worked through and negotiated reasons and came to conclusions of why none of them mattered in order to fill an empty void. With empty voids. I filled an empty space with more emptiness. Now I just feel more empty. More lost. More confused.

I nearly allowed him in my space. Almost. Part of me assumes he also didn’t really want to be in it too. My space is super full. I have a lot of space full of other people who will sometimes need me more than anyone else including me.

I am more upset than I should be. It was like a month. But the longest anyone had spent time with me. No real date. You can’t go eat anywhere or watch movies or really even date. Yet he did those things with someone else. Then spent time driving across state lines with me. It’s just weird. It’s also how it is. I don’t need one single person in my life I need someone to say hey I’m also spending time with someone else. Just say it. I heard it from someone else. Someone who likes him too. I don’t need an exclusive thing I need to be told it’s not so I can do the same. Now I know, I suppose. In a junior high like manner.

Being told to have a good day means something to me. It came out of the blue. Why would he say it? Who says this? I have to some but in hopes of hearing it back. Is that why he did it too? I said it the next day first. Then it was said back. Now the entire thing is just done. I messed up? Tried to hard?

I will try to hard. Except then I don’t try at all. I wait to be tried for for once. I have so much to offer someone yet get so little back. Then when a little is offered back I panic why. I don’t make any sense to myself let alone anyone else.

I think I need to make sure I can get out of the woods. I’m so deep into the dark unknown woods in my head that I can’t see a single direction.

I don’t need to use drugs and weed. I can’t. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to try a bunch of strange things. I can’t be controlled in my head. I have to have control of it myself. Getting it and maintaining this takes all my free time. Take a lot of space. I can’t explain to someone how and why anymore. It’s exhausting.

I knew a month ago I would be at this place. I saw it before I saw it. I felt it right away. I put too much into something I knew straight away meant nothing to the other party. Maybe even me. Until he told me to have a good day. Because it worked. I did have a good day that day. It was maybe the first day I had a good day in months. Now I have to have a good day on my own again. Like today. Today is boat my kids around in dads boat day. It’s I have a new comfy supportive bra for the first time in over ten years. It’s going to be a good day. Because I said so.

Have a good day.