It’s been several days since I could write anything. Nothing made sense and nothing still makes sense. Someday I will look back at these stories and see how I made it through something I don’t think I can make it through. That’s something right? That through the woods I see an out. And once I’m out I see how I came about to where I am. So I can do it again.
I went on a hike I had wanted to do for years. It’s not a big hike, just a little 20 mile loop through the Irish Wilderness. I love the wilderness. Not just the woods and the forest but I love that some places have wilderness as their name. It’s a little more wild and untamed. Less rules but also more because of its wilderness title. It has a law protecting it. From people.
The Irish Wilderness is rich with history. Of the Irish. I won’t go into the history as I don’t really know much other than it’s rich with history of the Irish. That’s enough for me. I make up the rest. Or imagine the rest. Walk through the wilderness and pretend I’m an Irish settler for the first time on my horse looking for water. Or a place to sleep. I know where water is. Since Irish settlers already found it and I also didn’t bring a horse. But your imagination goes where it goes.
Long story short but likely will still be long, I never finished this loop. I don’t read reviews of trails. I want to go in unbiased. If I read reviews I go in and think. So and so said this would be hard here, or some BJakwoodslady said it was poorly marked and not to even try. I have to go in with a blank opinion. No preformed opinion. This trail. I wish I had read that I should go counterclockwise. And then actually have done it. I tend to go the opposite that most go. So I don’t have people coming up from behind me. I like to come up upon people then pass them and we go separate directions.
I can barely explain what went wrong. I left the trail to follow a sign that promised caves. 1.5 miles away. The caves were supposed to also be open. They close caves during times of bat things, to avoid and protect bats. Which is also a long story I don’t know. I just know, caves closed because of bats. We get there and it’s closed. Not just closed but prison bar closed. Like they are really protecting the bats. It says it should have been opened April 30. That the bats would be done doing bat things that need them protected, we as people can explore their bat place. People and bats don’t cohabitate well apparently. We give each other diseases. Or we spread them?? I don’t know. I don’t really have a bat opinion either. I think it’s cool they hang upside down.
I was a little frustrated. A lot actually. It was a harder than it had been hike to this closed cave. I turned us around and went back to what I thought was the main loop trail. Even the map said I might have been right. Only because this little juncture with a cave sighting wasn’t even on the map. I thought it was a surprise. We ended, like literally ended a couple miles down at a really cold and wonderful spring with a little camp spot and fire ring. The trail just stopped. There were social trails headed in every direction out of the little camp spot but all ended to me just bushwhacking through the woods. My map said we were suppose to be up on the ridge we were down below on. I can read a map. Except that cave wasn’t on it throwing the whole thing off.
My new hiking partner decided he is tired. I am not. I am more determined than I’ve ever been. I set up the tent and he naps, and I bushwhacked a couple of hours in the woods and climb up vertical hills to try and find our trail. This hill was like cliffs so I wasn’t planning to climb climb. I went back and filtered water. Like all of our bottles full of fresh spring water. There is nothing better than getting to a place to filter water. I planned to take it home with me. Drink fresh spring water from the Missouri wilderness for days. I collected rocks in the dry creek bed I found while bushwhacking. Then I gave up. I couldn’t make us walk aimlessly in the woods at night. I was stuck in my head. Early in the evening to just do nothing. No walking at all.
I think I pouted for about an hour. Then started collecting wood for a fire. I was exhausted from walking and thinking. We were staying 8 miles in the woods then walking the same way back out the next day. With my heavy rocks and water. I don’t like to see the same thing twice. I even remember a little cedar tree we saw on the way back. It was so out of place. Growing in wet soil surrounded by plants who love water. He didn’t belong.
Something was just weird about that cave trail to me. I talked about it the whole way back how it was so odd that they made us walk up to that then turn around. But in my head I knew I turned around mad the cave was closed not because the trail ended. I knew that’s where we were supposed to keep going. We had walked up that ridge through the switchbacks. We were way up there to see that cave. If we had kept going we would have been up on the ridge over looking the spring we camped at. I was now even madder I knew this is what I did.
I read reviews on the drive home. There weren’t many as this trail is a light traffic trail. Everyone of them that went clockwise said the trail just ends. One said he bushwhacked and headed straight west and met back up with the trail a few miles later. Everyone counter clockwise said to make sure to go this way so you didn’t get off and head to the spring where it would just end.
I called the park. They should fix this right? I explain what happened and she says, yay that’s a common problem. I said maybe put the caves on the map. It would be super helpful. She said yes it would. Then laughed. It must be an inside trail map making forest wilderness joke. I ask about the caves. She said they close them for the bats. I agree but say should have been open after April. She doesn’t know anymore. She said maybe they forgot to open it. Then laughs again. Inside bat cave joke? Then I ask if there is someone who knows. She transfers me to a recreation supervisor. Who will likely not return my call. I won’t be able to let it go. It can’t be closed just because of the coronavirus. That doesn’t make any sense. Even if this virus is a bat thing it shouldn’t mean we can’t go in caves. But right now everything is because of coronavirus.
I am lost. I will be for awhile. That trail was proof. I can read a map. I can use a compass. I can bushwhack. But I wasn’t paying attention after that cave was closed. I was too mad my dad was dead. I am too mad at so much that I can’t pay attention to where not to turn. Or if to turn. Or not to turn. Or where to go. Bushwhacking through the woods would have ended badly. Sitting and staring at a fire with company was not terrible. It was just harder for me than walking though the woods blindly not on a trail. I had to sit. I had to talk. I was asked questions. I felt trapped. Trapped in the most beautiful peaceful place I could find. I walked us miles from somewhere to get to nowhere to be away from everywhere. And was frustrated about it. I wanted out so I could know I can still get out and through things. Because right now I can’t. This was proof to me. That I can’t get out of this. And I know why. Because there is always an answer to why. If I make one.
Im supposed to sit with this. Sit through it not walk through it or get through it. Just sit with the it. Because it’s too hard to. That’s how I know it’s right. I can’t in my mind and also don’t want to sit with my sad. Or my mad. I want to get through it. Not sit and stare and think. That’s too hard. To hard to feel him gone not here. If I walk I don’t feel him gone I feel him still here telling me to go. Right now I’m not listening to myself and am to others. I’m too afraid to listen to what I have to say and am taking advice from all the wrong people.
He said just sit. Like that. Sit down. Confused I sat. He said to. So I did. Like a dog. But also I needed to. I was having trouble holding myself up. So sit. Then I did. For hours. Or like a half an hour. But this is hours for someone who can’t sit. He sat. I sat. It wasn’t terrible. It was hard. It was right. I don’t need to always go and get out. I don’t sit enough with myself. I don’t even sit enough with others. I just don’t sit enough at all.
I am not a dog but for a second I thought this is what a dog feels like. But dogs need to be told to sit. If they are standing too long? Or just to see if we can get them to. Why do we make them sit? They look fine standing. They have 4 legs so it’s less work than us with two. The weight is distributed. But someone said to sit and I just did it.
I didn’t give up. It felt like it before I sat. Then I thought, this is what was supposed to be. It was so quiet. Just birds and tree noises. A deer close to my head sniffing around while I woke from sleep I didn’t see coming. It was calm I don’t recognize because of all the noise I make myself. It was not peaceful right away because I fought it and questioned it for awhile. Then it came. Sleep. On cold hard ground. Sleep. After just sitting.
This was the way this walk was supposed to go. To sitting. With myself and my company. I was meant to sit through something not walk through everything. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to go it was better. Because it was harder. If it’s too easy it is likely wrong. Advice from my dad. I need to be taking advice from my dad and myself again. Not others. Not people who don’t know I need to be told to sit. Like a dog.
Aspenleaf 