Sometimes

My anxious mind doesn’t do calm. It can’t recognize it. It tried to but it stirred up the anxious more. For a second I thought I felt it then I questioned it like my anxious does.

I haven’t been able to try weed. My mind says not to inhale smoke and things that aren’t air. I worried yesterday I could have inhaled a tick. I just aspirated it right into my lungs and not into my tummy. Something flew into my mouth and I swallowed. Ticks don’t fly but they drop from trees and the angle could have been just so that I somehow aspirated this bug instead of swallowing him. Could he survive in my lungs? At least for a tick life span? It’s air in there right? So if it makes it to the lungs she could live and could have been pregnant and had her family in my lungs. I would get pneumonia from aspirating a tick? That’s what happens if food gets in there.

I was told to inhale a second time to try weed. I want to just try it and know. Can I feel calm? so I did. Too many times. I’m sure. That’s what I know. Too many or not enough. I felt something right away. It’s taken me a few days to digest what I felt. I felt anxious. More anxious and also less for a second. But more because my anxious was trying to be controlled. Anxious is a vicious cycle. It says, calm? What’s that? How do I feel that? Is this it? Why? How? Am I calm? Where am I? The questions multiply when we try to remove them.

I felt afraid to move. Confused about how I got to where I was. I would turn my head and the views took too long to catch up. Then I was concerned about how I got to there. And where I came from a second ago. Time took too long. It was maybe a half hour and felt like an eternity but also about 6 seconds. Time made no sense making me question time. Everything was too funny. Making me question why everything was so funny. There was a mess on the forest floor of like two things but seemed like the biggest mess I had ever seen. I was super anxious and afraid.

I tried to lean into the feeling. Like my therapist says. You know what you can’t do when you are high? Control your leaning into things feeling. You can’t control anything. So there is no leaning into it. Because I couldn’t. I didn’t feel out of it just not with it. I would not describe it as calming. I was for a second less anxious once when I noticed the birds. But I notice the birds under my normal self. That’s why I take myself to such isolated places. To find the quiet to hear the noises. Quiet myself so I can listen to other selfs. Like the birds. They usually annoy me. But sometimes they are wonderful and I imagine what they are chatting about. That it’s a little conversation high above my head. One I am not part of. But want to be. I noticed them but then immediately went back to where I was and how I got there. The birds were just up there doing bird things but I was somewhere I didn’t know how I got to.

I can not be calmed. I’m uncalmable like I’ve always thought. Shouldn’t I just embrace this in me? I crave control of my mind and fear loss of it. I’m never trying to escape my thoughts. I’m trying to get them to stay still. To be quieter so I can hear something else. I don’t want them gone I want them to do what I say. They are a minor annoyance at best a major annoyance when I need to be able to listen.

I slept. I am certain that is what did it. Weed helped me sleep. It could have been the quiet woods. It could have been I had company I felt safe with. But it was not. I think it made me so anxious I slept from over anxious. I fueled my anxious and wore myself out not calmed myself down.

My daughter no longer sleeps in my bed. It’s been years. I’ve been trying to get her to sleep in hers for years. I knew this day would come. She had a new tablet for the first time ever to be able to watch shows on. It’s requiring some moderation and rules but now she has taken ownership of her little room. She needs me less. Right when I need her more. It was comforting to have someone else there. Now it’s empty. I can barely handle it on weekends when they are gone now it is daily. I don’t want someone in my bed just to have someone in my bed but I want someone back in my bed. It’s ridiculous. With that comes someone in my room, my bathroom, my kitchen, my space, my life. They would have to wake up and do things they do while I do things I do. We would collide. I would have to adjust my time I wake to write. I would be up at like 2 to accommodate someone in my space. Which means I would almost never be in bed so I need no one here.

But I want someone here. It’s not because my dad is gone. I’m not trying to fill a void. I am but not. I’ve wanted someone here since I had no one before. I’ve had to work through all this alone after being not alone but sort of being alone. When I had someone he was rarely there. But he was in my bed and in my space. I got used to this. Then it was gone. I don’t miss him I miss his presence. It’s what I signed up for. To have someone till I died or until he died. No matter what. Neither of us died and the no matter what came. I had to bail to protect myself. He put me in a position to break a vow. I had to be the one to do it. He said. I will keep seeing others and you will just be here and have the house and I’ll pay the bills. It was the most absurd thing I ever heard. But for a second I thought it could work. Except what about me?

I met a guy once who seemed to like to collect women like my ex did too. He told me he loved talking to me and wanted to find a way to keep doing that even though he had a wife and was also seeing his nurse. I agreed. That’s how lost I once was. It was hard to do what I did. Leave my ex and be on my own. I made this choice to protect myself and then found it too hard. Like my ex said, “oh, I see you want to do things the hard way?” And I said yup. But then it was too hard. I forgot when I did this I had no one. And didn’t know how to find anyone.

For several years every man I met had someone he didn’t want me to know about. It was like I had become the other woman in my own marriage. How did this happen? Because I didn’t know who I was?

I do now. I am very self aware. So self aware I forget there are others around me. My self aware can seem like selfish to others. It can even seem like selfish to me. Even though I know it’s not.

Now I have met someone. Or it seems I have. Someone who likes to spend time with me. He says. I said why. Or i say nothing back. I can’t figure out why he would want to. I know why I would want to but not someone else. I don’t recognize the reasons. He said he likes to no matter what we do. That didn’t help. So no matter what we are doing you like my company? That’s just crazy. To me. My mind goes to he also must have others he likes to spend time with and just wants to make sure he can keep spending time with me too. This is normal? Or just me thinking of all the other times? People can spend time with others and me. I’m not selfish. It’s just the way he said it that sounds like he means he likes time with me in different ways than he does with others. That his others are friends and I am maybe more.

Im overthinking a little. Not a lot as I’m a moderate over thinker now. Just a paragraph of over thinking will do. Meeting new people just presents a lot of questions that have no answers. My worst nightmare. Since I’m so self aware I will with draw out of confusion and doubt. Leaving them to wonder what went wrong. I will say nothing. I will do nothing. I will go back to my own mind and be fine with it. I don’t need someone in my bed I wanted it. Which is both. Right now it’s both. I do want someone to battle over the last cup of coffee with. I do want to pack someone’s lunch again while I pack mine. But what I want is for someone to do something back. Sometimes pack mine. Sometimes let me have the last cup. Sometimes touch me before you go. Find a reason to. Sometimes think of me during the day. Sometimes say you need more. Sometimes don’t. Just sometimes be there. So I don’t have to always be there for myself. Sometimes I just want someone again. But I need someone to know I won’t recognize any of these things.