Out of left field

When something comes out of left field we are surprised right? Why? Why not right field? Or center? Are players surprised when they get out from a play out of left field only? Most plays shouldn’t be that surprising. They are players who play a game that doesn’t offer a ton of surprise. It’s skill, technique and attention.

Why did it turn into a catch phrase for life? Was someone sitting there one day watching baseball and the left fielder fielded a play to home and the runner to home was so surprised because its the one place the back is to the fielder? Then he threw to home and the runner was out! Or maybe safe? And the man in the stands yelled “man that came right out of left field” and it did. The runner was shocked. You can’t turn around and watch left field when running to home as well as the other bases? I have no idea but he came out of left field. I wasn’t watching and maybe running for home and hé came right out of left field.

Why did baseball even come into my head? I love baseball. Not like a die hard fan but it’s just always something that was on at my grandmas house. It was always something my son played. I just kind of fell into it. I can listen to it on the radio. It’s one of the few things I can listen to that isn’t music.

He came out of nowhere is where he came from. I was fine and doing ok. I was comfortable where I was. But also I was ready to be uncomfortable again. I knew it on my last solo backpack trip. I was frustrated I was on my own. I wanted someone there. I also knew I would do what I could to make sure the next year I took a trip I would not go at it solo. I can be solo but I didn’t want to be anymore.

So I stopped looking for someone to be with. I just quit and gave it to the universe to tangle and untangle then throw it out of left field when I’m running away. I’ll be surprised was my plan. I hate surprises. Also I hate the word hate. But I’m using it. Surprises are too surprising. Which sounds so obvious like how I don’t really like ice cream because it is too cold. It is the temperature of it. Strawberry Ice cream tastes different than a strawberry milk shake because it is colder.

I have a guy who keeps messaging me that shouldn’t be. This is not a surprise. It is not out of left field. I have seen it coming always. I’m also always watching for it. He struggles with something in the place he is in and is looking for something in me to fill that void. I’m onto it. I’ve tried telling him. I’ve tried to show him. Take care of you. I’m not a void filler. He needs to take care of what ever is not ok and not look for something from me that I can’t offer. I can’t offer void filling. He has a wife. He swears we are soul mates. I don’t know if I even believe in soul mates if I did I feel like it’s my daughter sometimes. If I did I feel like it could be anyone I wanted it to be if I just said it. Like he does. To try to get me to believe it. But I don’t feel it.

I want to be a better tax doer. So I keep doing them myself. The tax place is auditing me, again. I have to prove that I am who I say I am, again. I have to keep doing this for two reasons. One, so many people try to steal identities and falsely claim credits not due to them that I now have to prove I am due them. Also, I am so bad at taxes that the tax people aren’t even sure if I’m a person. I’m still not going to hire someone to do them. How hard can it be to do my taxes right?

My relationship status: entangled.

• involve (someone) in difficulties or complicated circumstances from which it is difficult to escape.

I am not in one is what it is. I am entangled in a situation for me that I put myself in by letting the universe try and untangle what was and straighten it out and send it back out. I let go. I had to. I was trying too hard to make the world do what I wanted it to. The world has had to untangle this before it can get itself back on the proper orbit that I won’t involve myself in again. Until now. Because it’s entangled. It’s difficult now. It started out as nothing in my head.

There is no rule that says my shoelaces have to match.

I keep giving money to homeless people. I can’t stop. Not a lot but more than I should be. I’m enabling. I’m not helping them. They need to maybe go backpacking. Get in the woods. Take it to the bush. Get out. Keep going. Connect with th nature. They will buy a beer. Maybe 6. Maybe something else. I don’t know but 13.00 isn’t going to get them on their feet or get them out on a backpack trip. They need to get on their own feet. They can’t go backpacking with me. I wish I could drive with my eyes closed. Not see them. Then they aren’t there.

I wanted someone to hike with. Then my dad died and I wanted him back. Then I wanted to sleep with someone. Not him just someone. To be comforted. Then I kept trying to make someone by using cheesecake as code for sex. Then I wanted to just wear a mans shirt. Grief was taking me all over the place.

He didn’t start of as that someone I thought I would be at here with. He started off as my hiking partner. That was what I saw him as. He also snuck his way in to that. Why? Did he want to hike that bad? He asked me once what I would be doing on weekend soon and I said when my kids go back to their dads I will be hiking every weekend. He said. Me too. I said oh. Really? You hike? He said. No. I said then….he said, I’m going with you. And then he did. And then he kept going.

I didn’t see it as anything more until recently. It just happened in my head one day. It was just the little kiss on the head in the middle of the night. I was thought of in the middle of the night. Such a girly little move in my head to think. Do I really need to be thought of in the middle of the night? Yes. The answer is yes. People want to be thought of often.

He came out of left field when I was in love with someone I couldn’t have. Someone not available. Someone I tried to make like me. Someone who showed me that can’t happen. Someone who I pictured being with me in my trips and hikes. Pictured so much I didn’t see who was right in front of me but came from nowhere. Some of the hikes it was like he wasn’t there. I was still just me hiking. I knew he was there but I still saw what I always saw. Felt what I always felt. He felt like an intruder in my space. Then he just kept getting into it. Then he got closer and closer and closer. That close that makes me panic.

I imagine the joy and happy I see in his face when he is out in the woods is even difficult for him to understand. He has had so much disappointment and let down for so long that he seems to expect it and even set it up to happen. Like he doesn’t know who he is when he isn’t in the woods. I’ve seen it. I’ve watched him find himself a little in the same place I did. I get to witness this change. He has to be kept entertained. Always seeing something and doing. I get this.

But he kept getting closer to me. Even when I kept moving away. In my head I was not going to allow anyone ever close to me again. Even though I wanted it. But I needed him to. I needed to feel that panic rise in my chest as someone put their arms around me again. So I can help it subside. It made me want more. Not less. I thought it would make me want less. Want it to go away. Want to run and hide. It did but I didn’t. But I am now.

I said I wanted more. And now I am making something out of nothing so I can feel an easy way out. I also am aware I’m doing it. Because it is easier. Which isn’t me. I don’t like easy. It’s too easy. Like ice cream is too cold and surprise are too surprising. The best I can do is write out what is in my head and hope it is read and considered. I someday want to be able to say these things. But it’s a lot of things to say. It’s still tangled up. Like a lot. I let go and then tried again to take control. Now it’s messy and entangled. Now I’m watching my back.