Yoda

My mind is mixed up. I had 3/4 of a glass of wine last night which is 1/4 more than I am allowed by me before I don’t feel like me anymore. Before I lose control of my mind. It’s just enough to breath deep and think slower but not not think at all. Or worse. Think of the sad. I don’t want to think of the sad and confusing when 3/4 or a glass of wine is telling me it’s all worse than it is. I want to think of the sad at my normal rate of speed. Quickly and through it. Too slow and it lingers and mixes up with everything else. I dealt with a difficult situation with less control of my thoughts.

I am anxious times a hundred. What is that word? Why isn’t there more words for more anxious? Anxious doesn’t cover it properly and adding just super or more just adds another word making me anxiouser that I can’t be just anxious and not what? The anxiousest. Also not a word.

I am working through really tough laid out boundaries I’ve had for years that I really want moved. Laid out different. The boundaries from me to others as well as from others to me need changed. There is a moth that has 5 larvae stages. Not just the change from larvae to moth but 5 weeks of different larvae before becoming a moth. This is beyond fascinating to me. It would be so weird if humans had stages like moths. There may be a movie on the back of my mind that is about a human that cocoons. I think called just that. Cocoon. We just go from small versions of ourself to bigger. But a baby doesn’t resemble a grown up at all. They aren’t just little people we are less bone, fat and hair and teeth changes that I will never get why we lose an entire set and grow in an entire new set. Why? Pulling teeth from a child with special needs is the most bizarre experience I ever had. She didn’t get it at all. But she kept swallowing teeth. It may be even that odd with all my kids. So odd they decided let’s just do it ourselves because why is mom pulling all theteeth?

Anyway this moth gets to change his rules 5 times. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to lay out 5 new rules for myself and they will be a little further from me and closer to others and a little further from others to allow them closer to me. What? Or something. I am just afraid I will dive in. I am a dive right in person. Not a tip toer. I love that much. Too much. I’ve covered this in my head already. I’m an over lover. I suffocated a bird by cuddling it as a child. I just didn’t know you can’t cuddle with a bird. I used to worry I would roll onto my child when breast feeding. Just casually fall asleep while they are eating. Then they would die.

I don’t want to jump in here. I do. Trust me. I do. I have it laid out in my head in about 6 steps. One more than the moth has before he becomes a moth. I one upped the moth. Mine takes longer because I am human with teeth and not a big beautiful cecropia moth.

I research and talk about bugs when I don’t want to think about what I should be. I actually research lots of things but bugs are my go to. They love plants. We have a common bond. I grow their food. I pulled weeds the other day with aphids on it. Covered so thick my hand turned yellow from their little dead bodies smashed on my hand. I lost my lunch and still can’t eat without thinking about it. I had aphid bodies in my nails. I am so beyond mad that I didn’t just leave the viney weed they were on and not on my hibiscus. I should have used this as a biological control method but the vine was viney and I was avoiding seeing someone I need to not jump into deep water with, so I needed a place to hide. Also in hopes he would want to find me. Which he didn’t and I was both relieved and mad. Like I get when I play solo hide and seek. No one will play if you don’t tell them to. I don’t like not independent games though. I didn’t cooperate at softball, volleyball, or basketball. I could have but I didn’t want to play. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Not play games with other people. Play hide and seek alone.

I had such an amazing time with someone that I can’t handle it. It made me see right into the future too far for even me. Dancing, laughing, holding hands, playing cards, all the way to will you make sure no one zooms with me when I die and make sure I die all on my own. See 6 steps.

I’m not afraid to die. I’m ok and I will be. It’s what life is sort of preparing us for. Death. The end of life. That’s why we live. So one day we can take that last breath with confidence that life was good and lived and now it’s good and dead.

That seemed morbid. But death is. That is the word to describe when you talk about unpleasant things like death. I don’t have an unhealthy interest just a normal amount of interest. Maybe even lack of. I just know one day we die. That’s all I know for sure about death. It’s certain. Like taxes. Life, I know for sure you can live but you have to work real hard at it. Fight for it and do it. Not try. Do.

There is no try just do.

That’s a quote from a tiny green thing called Yoda in Star Wars. I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars. I have not really seen a lot of things. I googled who Yoda was only to be confused why he is so wise and will need to watch Star Wars. All of them. I have a lot of living to do. Not try. Do.