Brains

I want someone to be there to talk to. Like really talk. All girls want this right? We like to talk I hear and men don’t listen. That’s not even what this is about for me. I don’t need someone to listen I need someone to let me talk and not think it’s crazy I don’t need them to totally listen. I need someone to just pretend to listen. I just have to talk sometimes. Get it out. I don’t have a lot of important things to say. Just things that need said so they aren’t thought. If I had more of this then my therapist wouldn’t need me so much to talk to her.

I just wish I never had to text again. That someone would be there later and all the things could be said and not text and I would never have to text again. I can’t say what needs of be said in a sweet and short text. It can’t be read either. It won’t be usually anyway. It is a text. Why did we go to this method of communication? Was the other way too hard? We now are simple minds with simple sentences and pictures to say what we need to say without saying it. Who sent the first text? Why? Who said I don’t know how to say this so I’m going to not? Then you can read it and see what I’m trying not to say but trying to say without saying it.

Was it so bad to sleep till 11:00? Not the 11:00 at night the 11:00 at day. Even if it was because I was up till 3:00? 3:00 the next morning. I was exhausted with thoughts of the South Pacific, Botox injection, pubic hair removal and border line self doubt. Don’t we all think things? Not just some things but all the things? Why do I have more questions than the average person? Why doesn’t the average person have more questions? Do we really believe really brilliant people? What makes their thoughts and ideas true over anyone else’s? If a really smart person says something we just believe it? This is going nowhere or everywhere. I can’t figure out what makes all of our brains so different. I am not really trying to figure it out but I am about to want to.

There are people that study brains. They look at them after people are done being alive except there brains. They look at them after and maybe even before. When we do brain surgery we are looking at them. It’s our chance to see what’s inside. It’s brains. To fix what’s broken. We don’t open them up and see what is thought from them just what’s wrong with them that is making the thoughts or not. I don’t have time to be a brain surgeon or even a person who studies brains. It would be more fascinating and take less time to have a chat with one of these people and ask some brain questions. Or maybe talk to my therapist? I’ll trade knowledge with a brain surgeon? I’ll talk about trees if they talk about brains.

I witnessed murder in my sleep. A man was shot on a bus after being tricked into getting on this bus. Then the guy took his gun and just blew him right out the back of the bus. I was not on the bus or even involved but since I dreamt it I witnessed it right? I was nowhere on this bus. Where was I watching it from? My bed? The hole was so small it left when the guy went flying out the back. Like the size of a pencil. Like it never happened. Then I woke. Why did I have a dream like this?

I am just sort of consumed by brains today. I have just the same amount as anyone else but feel like I have a bunch more. That my head is larger than most people and that sometimes I may even have two brains. No one has ever told me this. But I was born with a large head that needed help coming out. I didn’t want to be born. I was safer in the womb? No, I just had a large head. More skull than some babies. Not more brains. I don’t behave like two different people. I just have two different kinds of thoughts always. A one side and another side. Not good or evil. Just chaos and not chaos. Not a calm side just a side that is saying the other side is way too chaotic. They don’t talk to each other well either. My two brains don’t not get along they just don’t understand each other. I don’t understand either of them even though they are mine.

Someone told me I am so put together. I am not. Do I just show it? They don’t know what’s inside my head. I don’t tell them. They see that I am not a mess because they can’t see my brains and even if they could it wouldn’t tell them anything other than I have exposed brains for some reason. They would just be there when my head was broke open for some reason and see that yes in fact I have brains and I am not that put together because my head is broke open leaking brains. Why is this person even there? Would they get closer and look, really look and see the inside of me. Should I tell my friend if he ever gets the chance to see my brains to check and see how many I have. Gets the chance? Is this an opportunity? That’s a true friend though If that is the case.

No that’s ridiculous they would be calling for help which would be too late since I clearly can’t have thoughts anymore. Can we? Once we are expired the brains stop being thoughts? They become just the mess they look like, so what are they studying? How do they keep them going once they study them? We study thoughts of people when their brains are still thinking not after? After we are gone we are looking at brains for some reason. This seems unnecessary if we don’t know what is being thought anymore. I’ll have to ask my therapist. She likes to hear what people say and think.

I have to get brains out of my head. Not literally. I have to have them all. And don’t want them exposed for anyone to see unless it’s a skilled brain surgeon. You are awake during brain surgery? Is this true? So maybe I can ask questions and he can see the answer inside while looking. Do they talk to people while doing brain surgery? I don’t actually think I have too many or even two brains at all. I just wake some days and think somedays that I am battling two thoughts and trying to come to one single one. That I’m trying to make 2+2 equal 4 without wondering why it has to and why the numbers are always moving when I think of them. I don’t doubt math I just doubt myself? Math is always right. Someone said so. Someone said this is what it equals so I need to just believe it? Are we really sure it equals this? Just because someone with smarter brains not more brains said it we now believe it?

I need to swim. I am going to. I am going to do the process of scheduling a good lap swim or Im going to call and tell them I want to schedule without having to schedule. What if someone who wants to swim can’t download an app to make an appointment to not think of brains? I can download an app but I don’t like apps and don’t want to. I could explain this entire story to the gym? Tell them all of the thoughts so they just jot it down so I will quit telling them about brain surgery that I don’t know anything about, that I’m coming to swim and they can go into their app and put me it in for me. That’s their job. To help me be able to swim. I need to be able to not think for awhile about things with no answers. I need some simple math and maybe a good swim. Not a good long chat with a brain surgeon. Or even brain surgery. I don’t have two brains just a lot of thoughts.