I’ve dreamt of silverware for two nights in a row. It’s just everywhere. I still wake terrified feeling but about cutlery. I can’t grasp anything else from the dreams other than putting silverware away. I try to grasp too much. Holding onto silverware all night long apparently.
I was asked how one stays so long with someone if miserable. The answer is both simple and not: I stayed simply because I was left alone. Which is what I like. Except I don’t. I never said I needed more because I don’t say I need more and neither did he. He needed more and found it, I needed more and ignored it. So I wouldn’t need more. It feels just too needy to need something from someone. Open this jar. Move this, do that. Say what I need. Do what I need. It’s just plain old too needy. But I did need more. I was exhausted. I am still exhausted. I do everything on my own. So I don’t have to rely on someone who won’t be able to give me what I need but don’t need but really need. Which is really what I want. I don’t need someone to open a jar. I will smash a jar open before I ask someone to open a jar. But…wipe away my tears, move my hair, wipe the dirt from my cheek, hold me, tell me it’s ok, tell me it’s not real, all the things stuck inside are not real. Just tell me something. Listen to something when I can’t. But want to but can’t. Take my hand up the hill over the water. Help me back up. Even if I say no. Isn’t that what all women want? Or maybe some men? Basic needs met but being wanted. Being looked after.
How to you look after someone without doing it for them? Aren’t we supposed to take care of each other? It things aren’t unhealthy then we should support them? I know in my head I could be a really great or really not great enabler. I get so frustrated when people won’t do for themselves what I know they can because I know I could, that I would do it for them. No matter what it is. Aside from murder or breaking laws. I would support unhealthy habits because I wouldn’t know they even had them. I might even know and not care as long as simple basic wants of mine are met. I’ll support your habits if you simply wipe away a tear stained cheek? That’s ridiculous. I know better. Don’t I. Didn’t I learn this once already?
This is why I avoid homeless people. Except sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I give them money only to know they won’t use it to like buy a house because it’s just 10 dollars. But they will buy something they just think they need. How can you be homeless and not want to just numb the feeling of being that homeless? They aren’t saving all that money to pay rent right? Or get a hotel room? How do you get back on your feet without someone who helps? Somewhere who helps? Even if it’s enabling? Isn’t it helping? Or not? How does someone pull themselves up from boot straps all on their own if they don’t even have boots?
I was there once. Helpless. Homeless. Nowhere. I didn’t stand on the corners and ask for help. I couldn’t pull myself up by boot straps either since I didn’t have boots. I found a place that helped me find boots. Not a boot store. People who demand you do it. Demand you find your way. They kept me safe from myself and from others. They showed me I can find my own boots. Which I did. Real boots. Then I walked in them. Found my way by not finding my way. How do you show someone else they can do the same? Without doing it for them? They have to want to.
How can you see anything else when all you saw was just one something for so long? What if you only saw yellow? Then red wouldn’t make sense? Can you be color blind with one color? Or is that just plain old blind? Color blind means not seeing colors. But you see black and white? Are there people who just see one color? How do you describe a color to someone? Oh you only see yellow? Let me tell you about blue. Then you describe an item that is blue to a person who sees it as yellow. How do they describe that what they see is yellow of thats all they’ve ever seen. You say the sky is blue and they say maybe. I see yellow. But do they if that’s all they knew and know and you can’t describe yellow. You could argue with them for hours about what a color is but they won’t be able to agree or disagree. How can you describe a sunset to someone who is blind? By how it made you feel. I felt like I was glowing it was so red. You could see my face it looked on fire. Except they can’t see so they can’t see that your face looked on fire or even what fire looked like. And they would say, what does fire look like and you would say what? Fire looks like fire. But it feels hot and warm. So what does yellow feel like? I would make a blind person crazy. I would want to make them know what colors were like.
I just want everyone to see things. See something better than what they see. Like I did once. How did I finally see what I see now after seeing what I did for so long? How? I can’t see back to see how I was able to see forward. I just felt it. It wasn’t anything other than a feeling. I felt weak. So weak that in my head my only option was to be stronger? I couldn’t get any weaker than I was. I hurt everywhere. I could barely cover with a blanket my body was so painful from tension. I could not breath. I could not live. Until I just wanted to. I had no idea that in that moment was the strongest I have ever been. That moment I did pull myself up by imaginary boot straps without any boots. I didn’t know what I would see. I didn’t know what I would feel. I just didn’t want to see and feel what I did. Yellow wasn’t enough. I wanted to see more. I knew there had to be. I’m not saying I only saw one color but I felt like I only saw one color for so long.
How can I help him see? I can’t. He has to want to. I want him to. That’s not enough. I’m not not enough but me wanting him to is not the same as him wanting to. I know he can and is capable but he doesn’t yet? How do you support? What’s that like? To just support someone? To make them do what they need to for themselves but also they need you for somethings they can’t need for themselves. It’s basic saying it. I need you to wipe these tears away. And see if they will. It’s basic I need you to help me I can’t get out of this mess. In my head I’m thinking stop getting into messes. But even I get into messes I can’t get out of without needing help. I don’t want it but need it. I just don’t say it. I am still blind when it comes to saying what I need which I’m turn will get what someone else needs back? I just see a few colors right now not all of them? Although I see all of them. I can see colors. But I can’t see past where I am to know what something is like I’ve never seen.
Aspenleaf 