Tense

I haven’t written in several days, I thought it might be because I have nothing to write about, nothing to figure out or sort through and see. I was very wrong. Am very wrong. Nothing on my mind can be resolved. It can be tumbled and tumbled and tumbled and in the end the rocks will still need tumbled. Then I’ll keep tumbling them and then I will have no smooth rocks still. Because I will burn my motor up from tumbling.

This started the week of remote learning for 2/3 of my kids. So far in the 3 days of it they have not been able to access the remote learning or nothing has worked. My youngest basically plays all day and my oldest sleeps. Remoteless is not working. My kids need remotes. Need to be remoted. They don’t need plugged in. They are real life kids. Real live kids. They need a real live person for them to be able to see so they can hear so they can understand. This I can sort out and know but have little control over. We are trying too hard to control something that needs managed not controlled. As a result we are now trying to control everything. It is happening at a time in my life when I am learning to control less and let go of more. To let the universe do it for me.

Is a bigger picture to this all to teach us to let go? Who will listen? Who will not? I could get coronavirus? So could anyone. So little can be done about it anymore other than what we are doing. And in the end some are just not going to do it. People are going to die. A lot. The weak and sick and elderly will die. I have seen it and witnessed it. I’ve lost from it. I don’t want to believe still that there are too many people in the world but I still just believe there might be too many people in the world. Thé universe knows what it’s doing. How many years has it been? There is not balance in the world anymore? And we are fighting it to pieces. We will lose. Or some will lose. Or maybe it’s winning?

The planet needed a break. It needed something to say hey I’m exhausted from all the stomping around and footprints you leave and need to have less stomping around and footprints. We are supposed to only leave footprints when we go but when I go I see more than footprints. If I’m seeing it then the planet is feeling it.

The more in line I think I become with the universe the more the universe is aligned for me. The less I fight what is, the less I have to fight what is and the more I can listen to what is. The more I can finally hear. I can’t hear. I’m not deaf. I was asked once why don’t I hear what he says. Because I am listening too closely to everything I’m saying and can’t hear. I’m too noisy. First thing in the morning is the worst time to tell me what to do or ask me to do something. I wake noisy. I sometimes don’t wake and have been awake noisy all night. I’m exhausting to myself and when I’m quiet I’m actually the loudest I’ve ever been. When I’m talking I’m loud because I’m shouting over my own noise. I don’t have an inside or outside voice because I don’t know how to moderate my volume since I don’t know how to even moderate my volume no one can hear but me.

I am tense. I can tell by the pain in my sides. I’m holding tension in my shoulders. I am tense because of sex? Do people have sexual tension? Is it really a stress release? I didn’t have it for years and was tense and didn’t have sex to release tension. My tension just went away? Who studies this? Is this a study we do? We study whether or not sex can make us less tense? Can’t sex alone creat tension. You have it once and then you can’t have it again for years or weeks or hours or even minutes? What do people do? I know what people do? They go have sex. With anyone. They need it and have to have it. That’s not me. I remember when my dad died and all of a sudden I felt the loneliest I’ve ever been. And I kept trying to find someone to have sex with. Several people and no one would do it. I wasn’t tense I was lonely. It also wouldn’t have worked. It also wouldn’t have been a good idea. I also was starting to like someone. I also wanted sex not needed it.

I guess now I will say things like I remember when my dad died. I want this year to end. But I don’t want this year to end. I’m getting farther away from the date he died and it feels exactly like that. The date he died is getting farther away. The memory of his death is getting farther away. It hurts less not more. But I’m not ready to hurt less not more. I don’t want to rush the process of grief. My calendar still sits on the month he died. Someday I will have to put up a new calendar. Not today. It’s not moving until some other day.

I was asked what my goals will be for my 2nd grader this year. It was too hard. I should want her goals to be successful and not struggle with remote learning but I don’t want her to be comfortable with remote learning. I want her to be who I know she is and allowed to be who I know she is. Remoteless. Curious. Anxious. Wiggly. A really real live kid. I don’t want her to struggle of course but I want this to be a simple blimp on her life that will pass and she will adjust and adapt and be resilient and be able to go remote or remoteless.

I was asked her strengths. I dislike these character trait questions. A strength is in the eye of the beholder. They are also very situational. What I see as a strength for her some may see as a weakness. Her energy is high. I call this a strength unless she is in a situation she is told to bring her energy level down. Then it is a weakness. I try to keep her in situations that require high energy. She is very spirited. I love that description for her. She can be spirited. It’s not always her strength. She can’t sit well but our world has to have people who can’t sit well: otherwise who will do the things that need done that don’t require sitting well. Someday she could write this on her resume. I am a great non sitter.

This isn’t going to go well. I am never a very optimistic person and won’t start now. I am realistic with desires to want to be optimistic and never pessimistic. Things are just reality to me. It needs looked at closer and it needs adjusted because kids are adjustable and resilient but not all people are. Remote learning is being administered by a generation who was raised remote. We were raised by real live people. There are angry messages and social media platforms are exploding with chaos over remote learning. I want it to go well enough but not to be what we know. Just what we knew.

I am not sexually tense I am just tense. I’ve spent the week, not even a week trying to trouble shoot a microphone on a laptop so my 7 year old can remote access her teacher while she is sitting but not able to sit in a daycare that has just as many kids as her classroom would have if they were in school and in fact her daycare is operating out of an empty school. I am tense because I have had emails coming to me all week notifying me of where my 7 year old is supposed to be online and when when my 7 year old is not with me. I have a job to do. Do I email her? She doesn’t have an email or even know how to check email. I also don’t want her having email and checking emails. She has meetings. My child has meetings all day. I am tense for her. She doesn’t even know the pressure I feel for her or the pressure she should feel for her about having meetings all day. Instead of school all day. I am tense because no one is using turn signals and driving well including me. Even my turn signal makes too much noise. I am tense from being told to browse more and touch less in a bookstore. I am tense because I want a big long hike and don’t want to. I know when I don’t want to hike is exactly when I should. I don’t want to need to make more footprints when the universe is trying to say let’s all make less but she means less carbon not less real boots. Less trash. Less gas. Less emissions. Less buildings. Less people. I don’t even care if I am one of the too many. I may be? Anyone could be? I am just tense because I am tense. I get tense when there is tension to be gotten. I can’t tumble it because none of it can be over thought and tumbled and worked out. It can’t be controlled and I can’t even begin to try to. Everyone else is for me.