Wait

I’ve been thinking…who doesn’t right? I always am. How can you not? Don’t think about it. People say. So you think of something else you don’t want to think about. Then the vicious cycle begins. Of thinking. Because you have to. Why do we? Why do we have to think? Why do we had to critical think? Over think? Re-think? Then think again. Why are we wired to think and some are just wired to instinct? Do other animals out there forethought and after thought and over thought into their actions? Our pollinators just do they don’t think about pollen. Bears just hibernate. Fish just swim. Birds fly. Humans just what? Think.

I want to control the world. I have controlling tendencies. Not of people so much. Or anything really. I really have the worst kind of controlling capabilities. I want everyone and everything to just control themselves. I want full control. It’s exhausting. To be in charge of so much control. Why can’t everyone just go when it’s their turn? Drive right? Be kind? Stop at a stop sign then go when they are supposed to. I have to fight the urge to get out of my car and direct traffic at 4 way stop signs. To not want to also direct flight patterns in the sky. To not want to pack every homeless person up and make them have a home and tell them to stay not homeless.

I want to be president. Who doesn’t? I ran for pretend president in junior high. I won. Of course I did. I wanted to run the entire country/junior high so I won. I wrote about being president. I don’t really want to be president I want the president to be a better president. I would be a terrible president. I would let everyone just make their decisions and try to think that everyone is capable of making their own decisions. And they are. Some are just better thinkers than others. I would let everyone just run rampant and think I have control by thinking everyone has control of themselves. Which some just don’t. Those some also don’t get to be controlled. I would actually not have any control at all. Even if someone can’t control themselves it doesn’t mean I get to. I don’t get to make someone not homeless who isn’t capable of keeping a home.

I have to let go. I have been trying. I have read back and seen I am getting somewhere. What gives? I woke the other day and decided my problem was that I didn’t have a partner. Not a partner anymore I’ve just never had a partner. I was married yes. But he wasn’t a partner. He was more a person in my area that slept in my bed sometimes and made babies with me and I fed him and kept all his things in order but he did none of that back for me. I also didn’t want him to keep anything in order for me. I keep my own order. And everyone else’s. But I can’t right now. I don’t have a full grasp on the decisions made to not teach our children in person and instead to make a bunch of 7 year olds have to learn to be super independent and to manage their time when they can’t even tell time yet. I don’t have a grasp on remote learning because I myself can’t grasp it. I can’t sit long enough to even log into a computer at best. How am I to teach my kids to use computers and technology when I am miles away from them? How do I remote learn with them when my job requires me to work from my job? How do I make her learn?

I don’t. I have to let go. Of remote learning. It doesn’t fit in our lives and I can’t make it. My kids have always been unique and can’t conform to rules that everyone else has to follow. Why should I make them start now? I won’t be able to. Something has to give. I don’t need a partner to come and do half to all of everything that is too hard for me. I need to be able to do it myself or not at all. It is the responsibility of my school system to administrate my kids education. A education plan should fit a child not the other way around. My responsibility is to be their parent. Both parents. I keep them as safe and healthy and educated as I can given what is laid out for me to administer. Which right now is nothing. I can’t be in two places at once. I can barely be in one.

I had to go back and add more to my thought of thinking. I am out of sorts with my lack of routine. I haven’t been waking at my time to write. I haven’t even been writing. I’ve been too thinky. Trying to hard to come up with a solution to something totally out of my control. Like everything is. I was tested for coronavirus. My daughter had to be so I did it with her to show how brave we are. She is actually braver than me I remind her. She didn’t have it and I knew it. She maybe had seasonal allergies and it flairs up more for her with asthma. It also could have been a cold. It could have been a viral infection that won’t kill her or anyone or it could kill us all. Who knows what she had. A doctor said. I don’t know, could be allergies, a cold or a virus. Like I had over thought before I even took her to an appointment she didn’t need to be at. I don’t take my kids to the doctor for things that need to be managed and run their course. I should not have sent her the day I did and I knew it. Or I knew it was close to not needing her to go. Her cough was too often. I knew she would use it to her advantage to go home. Not a bad cough but more often. I was not worried but I knew people would be. We have to be safe they said. I agree. She is too distracted from her cough to remote learn. I am told. I laugh. She is distracted but not from her cough and she isn’t remote learning because she can’t and now she has a cough to intentionally use to get out of it. She is coughing more to go home. I know this trick. I’ve used it myself. It worked. I wanted her out of that situation more that she did. So for now every time she coughs I will have her tested to prove she isn’t harboring a deadly but not super deadly but super contagious virus and them keep her home to build forts and practice independent while her older brother keeps her safe.

I slept last night from a single Benadryl chased with a single drink of wine. That’s all it took. I have a old or allergies or maybe a viral thing but not coronavirus and Benadryl will dry up the nose running but usually doesn’t make me drowsy, unless I add a sip of wine apparently. The fact that I set out to make myself sleep by forcing it unnaturally is a problem in itself. I have done this before and it nearly killed me. Not with this combination but with medications made by man to make people sleep. To turn it all off. I can’t be turned off. So today I feel groggy and lucky to be alive. My pants are weird and I will have an off day because I am in new pants. I don’t like new ones. I like my old ones but the knees are gone and I feel like I am in style yet I need cloth over my knees to protect them. So I have new pants. They are kind of pleated and look too fancy. I need a necklace today. Not any necklace but the one I once wore. My cameo. I haven’t worn it in years. It’s the one single thing bought for me that I can identify with. I am a mother first. I need it back on.

I can’t even sit where I am supposed to to write. All of my chairs are part of a massive fort. It’s engineering. I have her make a fort a day. Then she has to read in it. I also let her play. I hide the laptop and let her figure out how to play. She usually has tea parties. This week she had a tea party with our new baby turtles I have adopted. She scoops them out with slotted spoons and puts them in tea cups. At their spots. Then wonders off and forgets she is having a tea party with turtles. One turtle got away from the party. She didn’t tell me this until I went a few days later to change their water and only one turtle was present. Then she tells me one got away. Got away? It’s a turtle. I fear the cat actually ate it which makes me worry my cat will get sollmenila which isn’t spelled right at all. That was my moms fear when I got a turtle the first time. I assured her I was not planning to eat my turtle. Or likely play with it. Except I do play with it. He gets bored. Now he has company in his his little tank of little baby turtles my friend found. My friend who won’t get his life together. The one who I hike with but he is so broken. So broken I have imagined I will have to help make flowers for his last day. He doesn’t seem like he wants to really live. To do all the hard things that come with life. Guess what I can’t do? Make him.

I got off turtle topic. This missing turtle is ok turtle heaven or regular heaven or in no heaven at all but in my head he is no longer a living turtle. Everything dies. No one gets out of this alive. Even tea parties with children. But. In the middle of the night my oldest son comes and tells me the turtle is walking across the kitchen floor. All covered in under the fridge things and with a little injury to his soft shell. He is a soft shell turtle. So all turtles are accounted for and back being turtles alive and well. I have new rules for her now. In addition to fish we also don’t have tea parties with turtles. For now. We will have to think of different ways to play with the new baby turtles.

I have been sleeping. I thought it was from all the thinking I have been doing. That I am wearing myself out with thought. I tell my therapist this and she says. Like therapists do. Maybe it is an avoidance? That’s her job. To make me see things differently. I see things my way. Not her way or any other way. I am open minded enough to see a new way but not always understanding or accepting of new ways to see them. Especially when I don’t want to. She is also right. I am avoiding a lot. I don’t want to be woke in the middle of the night for sex. For someone to use my car. For weed. For texts. For anything. Those are all examples not real actually problems. I don’t want to think of remote learning. I don’t want to figure out where her assignments are in what drop down box. Because I can’t. I avoid when I can’t because of I could then I would but since I can’t I just don’t. So I sleep. And I don’t sleep. I’m not a natural sleeper. I am a natural waked. I can’t usually sleep so I don’t. Because I am usually avoiding sleep so I don’t accidentally die in my sleep.

I have tried to pay for coffee twice now with an insurance card. Shouldn’t it be covered? Not really tried to but pulled this card out instead of my debit. They look to much alike. My old one looked like my library card. So I’ve also tried to pay with a library card. Also not accepted. I just really need pumpkin spice today. Just take my insurance please. I slept too long and too hard and need coffee. I rarely need coffee just want it.

Wanted: someone to come in and take control of what is too hard for me. Side note. I won’t want you to or let you. I am stubborn, independent, intentionally difficult and full of chaotic critical over thinking. the single ad writes itself. I could also ad I need a driver. I don’t want to drive to anywhere so I need a driver. One who will stop and go when he is supposed to and one who knows I might need him to stop so I can get out and make everyone else stop right. But actually won’t let me out. I need to be told to sit like a dog. I need to be told to speak. To listen. I have to be talked to simply like a dog being given commands that are simple. When my not simple is too hard. Just stop and listen. He will say. Just stop and sit. Speak. I might take a minute to. Wait. I will think but not say. I can’t yet I might text you but not say. It will take me a minute to critically think through the simple command of sit. Speak. Listen. Wait. Wait is the worst. Just wait a minute. Wait? For what? How? My youngest says it to me. Wait for me mom. I say back I’m not waiting. I will keep walking and you will catch up. It sounds so mean even after I say it. But I can’t simply wait for anything that doesn’t need to be waited for. She wants me to wait so she has simple control of me. So she is right next to me at all times. So she can make sure I am fine. I know this trick. It’s mine.

Wait for me dad. Don’t walk so far ahead. I want to walk right next to you. Why do you walk so fast? I want to go that way too. Don’t go in the garage until I am ready, wait for me to go in the garage. The garden. I want to help with the bees. To work. Don’t die until I am ready dad. I wasn’t ready. He didn’t wait. He never did. Because he knew he didn’t need to. I’m not waiting Heather Anne. I’m going to the garage to work to the garden to work. I knew where he would be. He knew I knew where to be. Now I don’t know where I need to be. He is gone and didn’t wait and went ahead and died. Now where do I go? Now who tells me to sit to listen to speak. Now who? Me? How am I supposed to do that with all the thinking I do? What gives? Most of it can and should but can’t and won’t. The rest of the world needs me to think of all the thinking to run? I don’t make the world turn. I don’t run the country. I don’t make the rules. I barely even follow them. I don’t wait for anyone. So don’t tell me to wait but wait for me. I take a minute to think. So wait. But I can’t.