Philophobia

I am starving for affection. I knew this would happen too. It’s specifically why I have avoided getting close to anyone, ever. Not just since my marriage died. It’s likely even why it died. I killed it with my no affection rules. Don’t touch me, don’t get close to me, don’t love me, don’t do anything for me. Otherwise I will expect it, want it and crave it forever. There is no forever. This is deeper rooted than simply that I don’t believe there is a forever. It’s not that I don’t believe there is no forever, there just didn’t. There is just right now. I can’t guarantee a next so don’t touch me just in case it’s it? Is that it? Shouldn’t I want to be touched as much as possible, just in case next doesn’t come? No, it’s thé when next comes and the affection is gone. When they leave. Because they do. It feels deeper rooted even than a fear of being left. Or forgotten. There is a gigantic word for this fear. There is a word for all fears Im sure. Maybe even a word for the fear of fear words.

I woke too early this morning after weeks of avoidance sleep. That’s what I’m calling it. I’m not finally sleeping out of good health and sound mind. I’m avoidance sleeping. I’m sleeping to avoid pain, to avoid responsibility, to avoid affection, to avoid being awake even. I’m an awake kind of person. I’m kind of ok with it. So when I start to sleep well it’s because I’m not ok. I’ve avoided my morning routine, to sleep. Avoided time at night to catch up on remote learning training I need, to sleep, and I’m avoiding being held. To sleep. I’ve passed it up multiple times. I don’t want to be held in case I never get to be again? That sounds silly in my head. All things sound silly in my head once I’ve written them out. I can’t say them and hear how silly it is. When I’m talking il also still trying to listen to what is in my head at the same time. I’m too noisy even when I’m quite. I want to be held more than I’ve ever wanted to in my life. Right now. And forever. Even if it is just a minute. Maybe forever is a minute? Maybe in just a minute it will be forever?

My son is healthy sound sleeping. Not avoidance sleeping like me. He was on an opposite schedule for weeks. Mostly to be able to be up late to talk to his girlfriend. Then he decided she was becoming toxic and it ended and then hé avoidance slept for a week. I thought. But instead he had made a new friend. Not a girlfriend yet he says. But she has to sleep at night so he can’t chat all night long with her. So he slept. Because he likes her and wants to talk to her when she is free and that is usually when he sleeps. He de-reversed himself to spend time with someone. Do people do this? I asked him and he said, well I like her. That didn’t help. I don’t get what my son is saying. He likes someone so he is now taking better care of himself to be able to spend time with her? Why couldn’t he have done this for himself? Just wanted to take care of himself for himself? Why isn’t he learning that from me? I have been doing it for several years and stopped? Now I’m not taking care of me and hoping someone will change and want to be with me? I am reversed.

I should be taking care of myself and letting them take care of themself or not and not care one way or another because I would be so full of self care that I would be fine with their lack of. No room to also care for you since I have enough to care for.

Except I let him hold me. I was starved for affection for years, Now I’m craving affection. To be touched. They make a job like this, people who get paid to just cuddle. It confuses me and just makes me have a lot of questions about this person who craves this job. Do they crave the affection and can only find it in strangers who also can only find it in strangers? Do they crave it just no matter who it is? What happened to them to make them want to cuddle so much? How do they keep from feeling affection while cuddling? Do they have favorite people they cuddle with? Do they struggle not to get too close even though cuddling is getting close? How do you not? How do you?

I tried to hold myself this morning. I wrapped my arms all around me like a straight jacket might feel. Which I don’t know. But my arms are really long and can go way around me. Then squeezed. Too tight. Then not tight enough. Then I realized it was me and not him or anyone and cried. Then I did it again and pinched my arm. Still me. It’s not the same. No matter what I did it feels like me squeezing me. You can’t play with your own hair either. It doesn’t help to massage your own shoulders. Are we that connected with ourselves that we can’t sooth ourselves or is it a disconnect? If I hold my own hand across the street am I keeping me safe? Dépends on when I cross the street? And what thé universe has in store for me. She died walking across the street when struck by a car even though she was holding her own hand.

I tell my daughter to hold her hands when we go into stores so she doesn’t feel the urge to touch. We are these kinds of people. We have to touch to see. I often have to do this as well. I hold her hand to go anywhere. She demands it when she isn’t holding her own. I tell her to hold herself at night when she is away at her dads and misses me. That she should be able to feel comfort simply by hugging herself when I am really mad that her dad isn’t making sure this isn’t happening yet I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t. That he feels the same way. You should be able to not need me. Except I always did. I still do. Not him but a him. I didn’t sign up for any of this on my own. I didn’t sign up for it at all. It is my fate.

I am living out my fate. I made choices and some were made for me and now I am here. To what was once forever is now. And now I am here and want to be held in now until forever. Like I wanted at the beginning of now a forever ago. I just didn’t say so because I didn’t and still don’t know how to say. Hold me. Touch me. Love me.

I did it for someone and put so much effort expecting it back. It was the wrong someone? It still is? It isn’t going to ever be a someone? Is thé universe saying that’s it, you had a chance at affection and blew it so here you are now with no affection and starving for it. So hold yourself and be fine with it. It is a harsh reality but it is mine. I didn’t say and do what I needed for me for years and now ai don’t know how to say and do what I need in now, and am too afraid too recognize affection being offered. It feels suffocating. What is that word? Fear of affection? Philophobia. It sounds made up. All words that relate to fear sound made up. They sound like the beginning of the origin of the word plus the word phobia. Fear of being loved. I still just feel like I know what love is not but not yet what love is.

I woke determined to quit avoidance sleeping starting today. I have new plans for remote learning and new plans to try to fill my affection bucket. I can’t control in my head the remote learning decision and it is what it is now. Remote learning. My kids will be who they will be based on what I help them become. If I don’t show them they can’t see it. That’s how learning works. That’s why remote learning isn’t working for them. I am the parent. People go to college to want to teach kids to be smart kids. To teach them math, reading and science but I am the one who gets to teach them to be people. To be a kind human. That’s what I didn’t sign up for but did and didn’t know it.

I will just start being more affectionate. I tried this once. I just started hugging people. Being too close to people. Being too affectionate. I was held for awhile and now want it back and want it more. If I overdo it then I can find the balance I need. You can’t know how full your bucket should be until you over fill it.