What I was feeling was feelings? Other than anxious for once. During a time of significant loss I was more calm than I ever have been. My anxiety took a backseat to grief. Or maybe my grief is part of it and it is part of grief. I will always be grieving these losses? I will always be anxious. I won’t let go of the love I felt for my father. I won’t forget him. Someone said, actually lots of people say it hurts less in time. It gets easier. Why does it have to? Why can’t it hurt? It should. It was a great big feeling. Now it’s gone. Or the person is not the feeling?
For a little while I was given a little relief from my anxious mind to settle through a process that I didn’t think I could settle through. It’s not over but for now I have all my questions back. For now all the words are back. Grief has to still be there it is just not in the form it presented at first. I was sleeping more, eating when and if I wanted but mostly not, I avoided nature and places that made me recall childhood memories because they are too painful when those are the places to go to feel all painful memories of a childhood raised to go to the woods to deal. Everywhere I looked he was there. But not. In spirit isn’t working yet. In spirit can’t cook, laugh, ask questions in wonder, pray, play the piano. In spirit can’t help me through yet. I don’t even know if it ever will. I haven’t even found it yet. It’s not real. I can’t touch it and feel it and see it. I am supposed to just imagine and believe it to feel it. Except I can’t feel what I can’t touch and see.
I am going to try to manifest more properly. I maybe haven’t been asking the right ways. It sounds like a plan. I found a few simple steps to manifest that then at the end said in two weeks report back to here with your results. Report back to where? Pinterest? So basically I will write down what I want from the universe then put it in my pocket then look at it daily, then repeat it in my head, then look for signs everywhere of sprouting up, then open myself up to receive it. Then report back. How hard can that be? So in two weeks I should see signs of the universe sprouting me up a companion? Just a man growing right up out of the ground for me? How does it know it’s in my pocket? What if it’s washed? I lose it? What if I forget? What if I’m asking wrong? Is a companion to be manifested? What kinds of things can I ask for? Who am I asking? How do they hear? When will I know? What if I miss the signs? Too distracted from distractions? What if he does?
I forced myself back up this morning. I have some manifesting to work through and need to be back up at the time I am supposed to be up. I had a nightmare my dad and sister were stranded on a rock protruding from the ocean. My sister was unconscious and my dad was too far away to help. I had his backpack on and was on shore and couldn’t save anybody. I woke upset. I feel it in my throat that I cried through my sleep most the night. I forced myself back out of bed so I didn’t lay and over think anything that was stuck in my night head that hadn’t been digested yet. Like the lack of a companion. Someone there to hold me when o cry to sleep. Someone who will wake from my waking, someone who may even get up first and bring me water. Is that a more simple manifest? Someone to bring me a drink of water? Have I been making it too hard? Not clear enough? I wasn’t looking for a companion I would have to take care of. Someone to replace what I’ve worked hard to not attract. I wasn’t looking for someone just as sad as me to sit or not sit sad with me. Was the problem that I was looking? I wasn’t asking for what I want I was looking for it? Trying to force a process too complicated for an average human or myself to understand. I am not an average human to be clear. Trust. I thought grief was hard. My keypad is making words it wants. It wants grief to be fried. It can’t even guess what my fast thoughts are trying to say.
Trust yourself and then the universe will what? Trust back? Offer the opportunity for trust. I’m asking wrong? I am looking for a companion. So o should focus on myself and then a companion should appear? Sprout up? If I look for one then I quit being me. I quit taking care of me. Because I am too busy with other people’s lives. I don’t want to actually know he has someone. I could probably find out but I don’t want to know. I’m so used to being the other person that I assume I am. But I’m not supposed to assume and I quit not assuming for awhile when I lost track of my chaotic thoughts. I assumed the worst, I assumed the same. I assumed the outcome, I assumed I was right or I was wrong. I was consumed with assumed again. It doesn’t matter if he is with someone else. That has nothing to do with me.
I’ll have to start exercising again if I eat like I’m two people. I am over compensating for not eating for months. I lost too much weight. Now I’m eating again and I can feel my skin filling in. I feel fuller again. Not fat by any means but not loose. Like my skin was loose. I don’t like to exercise at all. Or run. I can walk but I don’t seem to think I need to get anywhere any faster than a walk. I miss too much I am supposed to be looking at. But I can run. Really far. And for a really long time. I do it when I have somewhere farther to get to than I have time for. Or sometimes I do it for no reason. But I don’t regularly run and don’t plan to. I don’t plan to actually exercise or change anything. But I should do something. Maybe moderate the appetite a little. I could start swimming again but they have made the process so difficult to set a time that I can’t even open the app and get the password. I could call and make my spot. Be the one single person who can’t use an app to make an appointment to swim?
All I know is I am back to me. Back to my anxious mind feels comfortable to me. The calm, sleepy, avoiding me is more anxious, awake and eager to not avoid again. To go back to the woods and find myself again. It’s right where my dad left me. In the woods is where I will be found and lost. It didn’t work a few weeks ago. I just wasn’t there anywhere. I looked. I was nowhere and he was everywhere. My dad was too everywhere for me to find me. Which is like he is still everywhere in a way. If I make up something in my head and pretend that he is always part of me because genetically this is true then maybe in spirit I can feel him guiding me or I can feel him within me but I can’t feel my genes. They are part of me. And not him. It is a far stretch of my imagination to believe my father is with me and not just gone. It can’t offer me peace until I wrap my entire anxious thoughts around a made up spiritual story to find a little comfort. Like the butterfly. I use the butterfly as a way to tell myself my dad is visiting me. It really doesn’t work. But I’d i do it enough and say it enough then it almost feels true. True enough to get me through a day. But still sad since I know my dad is gone and is not a butterfly in spirit or even in not. I am not 5. I am a grown women who misses her dad. My imagination can be stretched pretty far for a grown woman but only as far as it will go. Which is far. But not far enough.
I can hear my turtle tank. I really can frustrate myself if I let myself. I need help with something hard and don’t know how to ask. No one shows up for me. I spent years asking and being let down. I got used to just doing everything on my own and never asking. Now I want to ask but don’t know how and who to ask. Then I don’t even want help because I want to actually do this really hard thing myself. Except I don’t. I’ve tried asking the universe to present me a companion to do things for me but again I was looking for someone not asking for someone. So do I just not do my hard things until someone comes along and does them for me because I’ve quit doing hard things? Or do i do them and ask for someone to at the same time? Why would I do that? Why would the universe even think someone should come along and answer my questions? Fix something? Hold my hand? Walk with me? Talk to me. After all these years of not? Do I deserve them? After all the years of not? Why now? It’s part of my process? Part of life. Everything got me to here. What’s next?
Aspenleaf 