I slept two nights in a row. Not from avoiding things either. I wanted to actually sleep. To feel that pull of tired I hear about and have felt so rarely. To lay down and feel sleepy not worn out, my body doesn’t hurt from trying to run my batteries down when I don’t have batteries to run down. I didn’t want to feel like I was falling into an abyss. Into an unknown. Often times medications and alcohol can make you feel like you are falling into something when you lay down. They trick you into sleep. They alter your mind and my mind can’t be altered it can’t fall for it. My mind knows better than to fall for a trick such as this. It protects me. I protect it.
That being said I wanted to sleep. I am tired but not my mind. It says it has things to figure out first. Shoot, I forgot I was cooking sausage and it has been whistling and I couldn’t figure the whistling out. I’m cooking. That’s right. Sleep made me too rested. My guard is down now.
My house has been egged several times in a row. I didn’t even know people still did that. Aren’t we in the midst of a global pandemic? People are wasting eggs on things right now? I can’t even buy bacon because of this. I’m more upset with the waste than the act itself. My wipers won’t work from being so gummed up. I have had to wash my towels twice from the egg hitting laundry I had drying on the balcony. Kids need more to do. They need to be in school.
I have not even really thought about coronavirus in weeks. I just can’t seem to care anymore. Not not care but just not care. What good will it do me to think of it? I am doing what I can and always have done these things so I have nothing to adjust to except living life without my dad and everyone else around me seems afraid of me or themselves. It’s a weird world now.
I almost tried to think about the theory of relativity before bed. No good would have come of this. It seems so neat and tidy to sum up in a single paragraph yet the equations involved are so complex. It seems it can’t be thought out but just believed. What made Albert Einstein need to figure this out. Did he feel it? Feel something or just question it? I wonder what it would be like to try to talk to him? I mean he is dead so it would be just talking to yourself but if you could go back in time and talk to him. What would he say? Anything? Was he a man of few words since he was a man of too many?
Could you imagine trying to ask someone what they want for dinner and they are just busy trying to prove or disprove theories of relativity? You say do you want chicken and he says, do you think time bends gravity? Can gravity bend light? In fact, what is gravity? What is time? Space? That pillow talk with Einstein would include his thoughts that time and space are intertwined like a blanket? I am not so concerned with the theory itself but what made him need to know? Who was he? How did he keep his drawers? Did he sort his socks? Fold towels a specific way? Did he even eat dinner? Or just graze? Did he like bacon? What kind of man needs to prove the theory of relativity? The more questions I have the more questions I have. Why did he try to figure this out? Why do we try to prove him wrong?
What kind of woman needs to know what kind of man Albert Einstein was? What kind of woman am I?
I should be more politically concerned with politics. That’s not right I should be a more educated voter. How do you become an educated educated voter? I don’t vote unless I can do it with some education behind the choice. I don’t want to chose randomly. I don’t want to write in a vote. I want to select a candidate based on a knowledgeable background from reliable sources. How do I find reliable sources? Who do you trust? And how?
How do I trust again? I have to guess? Just do it? Let it go when it’s broken? I was told someone trusts me. I am in his small list of people he trusts. Why? And how? I know I am trust worthy and belong on this list but how does he know? I could learn to trust again by learning from people who trust people? It felt kind of nice to have someone say they wanted to beat the people up that are egging my things. It shouldn’t feel nice because I want no one beat up but sort of do if it keeps the eggs away, but it’s not the way to solve things. We teach our kids that. Not to hurt others. Be kind. Even when kind isn’t being given. But it still felt nice. Doesn’t every damsel in distressed woman want a knight in shining armor? I doubt it. The world isn’t like that anymore. We have to look out for our own selves. I also wasn’t in distress. I am not a damsel either. Eggs are being thrown and I am trying to find a way to just fall asleep. I don’t care what occurs in the night out of my control anymore. I want to sleep. Like a sound little baby. But I do want a knight in shining armor. I am that woman. Just to be told they would be. Nor actually do it. If someone showed up on a horse with swords drawn in armor I would panic about the horse, the sword, the armored man and the entire scenario. But eliminate that whole image and someone just says hey I will be there for you then actually is, it feels like a knight in shining armor minus the armor and shining and horse and sword. Someone to trust because they showed up for once. That’s how I can trust again. When it’s shown I can. Just once.
I found that a small amount of valerian root does it. It just puts me right to sleep. At least twice it has. Twice is good. It’s way more than never. I don’t want to try to profile the personality of Albert Einstein before bed or try to become and educated voter. I want to sleep so I can wake up and not feel like I almost died or that I was dead. That I was just asleep. No confusion as to what occurred in the night for a few minutes that feels like hours or hours that feels like a few minutes.
I had no idea what would happen as I took that little drink of this potion to help sleep. Will it work? Will it be poison to me? What if I am unknowingly taking my last drink? Of anything ever again. Is sleep this important to me? You never know how something will effect your mind and body once consumed. Until you do. It won’t work forever if it is what is working at all. It is just what is working right now? Or maybe it’s not what is working and I just drink valerian root and am sleeping on my own. I will never know. If I stop drinking it and still sleep was that what did it or was it me? If I stop drinking it and don’t sleep is that what did it or didn’t?
I do have things to figure out, but they aren’t theories of relativity. They are simpler but maybe not but simply not when I want to sleep. The holidays are coming and my dad is still dead. I’m in no hurry to jump to next year since then I will have to say in my head and to others my dad died last year. But it wasn’t. It was just 7 months ago so it was last year but still not. I don’t want a holiday without him yet. I don’t want a single day without him yet. It’s still too new and I’m still in April of this year. Everyone else can want to move forward too fast to get past what is too hard but for me the too hard is necessary to move forward to the not as hard so the too hard has to be single moments. Right here and right now is all I can do. Unless I need to go back 100 years and try to determine the kind of man Albert Einstein was.
Aspenleaf 