It’s the last month of this awful year. finally. Just one more month to get to the next year that we have no idea what will happen. Why are they waiting for a meeting to disperse the vaccine until two weeks from now? Isn’t this an emergency? Why aren’t they meeting right now? Is it that hard to coordinate the people involved or are there people involved who don’t want to be involved and can’t be coordinated? It just seems we should make this about priority. Maybe it is and I am not patient enough except I am. I lost two people and don’t want to lose anymore. I’ve waited awhile.
I woke 8 minutes too late. I just was cozy. It was simply that I was cozy. My alarm went off and I just wanted to stay warm for a minute or two or eight more. My daughter was next to me and it was comforting after her being gone for days with her dad for thanksgiving. I should be paying bills and shopping online right now for Christmas. But I can’t get anyone at the gas company to answer to take my money, it’s the one single company that I don’t have an app for to pay because they don’t have one. No one is working to take my money. I suppose it’s good since there is a rule that says they can’t turn power and gas off if you can’t pay. I can pay but can’t. No one is there. I don’t get a paper version so I will have to google the address to the gas people and pay.
I also don’t want to shop online this early. Not until I’ve worked out any leftover anxiety from the night the day before or even for the future. Then I can make better decisions? I have a purple tree for Christmas. Not pink like her dreams said but purple. We were overwhelmed with tree color choices when I found a place that paints flocked live trees. Pink was our pick until we were told it wasn’t dry. We had been touching it and it was dry. He said he could tell because it had a tiny little pencil scratching in the tag saying when it was flocked. That’s how you can tell? How are we to tell? It looked for sale and dry. He said I had to wait 24 hours. I don’t want to wait to make my daughters dreams come true. Then she found purple and it was all over. It was “dry” and also had the same pencil scratching with its flocked on date which was the same as the pink ones. I let it go. Dreams so rarely come true. I just wanted my little girls dreams to come true. Purple trees are what dreams are made of.
Could mine come true? Of course that night of her pink tree dreams I was dreaming I was being launched into space over and over in these little rocket chairs. I could feel the pressure change as I left the atmosphere each time. Then would slowly fall into the ocean. Once in my dream I was thrown off a bridge with a bungee cord. When I hit the water of the river I felt it. I woke sore and like I had been thrown off a bridge and hit water. Or launched into the atmosphere. This is not my dreams.
I dream of someone again. I have been. I have been saying it and feeling it and wanting it. Waiting for the universe to catapult someone into my orbit. Is that what this is? Why would he even be talking to me? Sharing? Asking me questions? Is it because I can make bows and beautiful arrangements? I took my nail polish off. My daughter painted my nails purple one day and because of my job it is half on. A lady thought I had smashed every finger and the nails were bruised. I hadn’t thought of that. Another lady told me guys notice these things. I reminded her that it was a lady who noticed they were half purple. She said, yes and she thought you smashed your hands. Why would guys notice this? She said I should paint my nails clear. Now I want to paint my nails clear so he will notice me. Except I think he already has. If I have to try it’s wrong. I know at some point you have to try and work for it but at first it shouldn’t be so hard it should feel natural. Like when a magnet sticks the right way to the fridge. It just works when it’s right.
I have to write this out in case it’s something that tries to consume me. I saw him pull in the parking lot. I was helping someone else. I pushed the cart to the store and he asked to take it from me. But looked right at me. I felt immediately nervous. Like I had seen him somewhere. Then he turned around and nearly took my shins off with the cart: he had two bleeding knuckles from something he must have done earlier. I went inside.
Then he was inside. I noticed his shoes. I do this now. I look at peoples shoes. I’m still trying to find shoes I like and keep looking at others to try. My feet are freezing in every pair I’ve bought and I don’t want cold feet. He entertained my shoe questions. Asked if I ran. I don’t. I can and have but I walk and am on my feet a lot. I want to run another marathon but right now a marathon would be hard to run with a mask and it would definitely be a super spreading event. So no marathons. I don’t get a virtual marathon. I can’t even fathom it. I ran my little half one once and want to do a better job. I want to run in my own shoes.
Then I got his number. Then we talked for hours. In text but I really can’t talk for hours on the phone and we aren’t supposed to be talking in person. Then I heard nothing. Then I did. Now I know things about a person I never knew. It is feeling too much like a dream come true. He feels like such a different kind of person to be in my path. What put him in my path? Or am i still off mine? Did he wander off his and get lost and find his way to mine or am I still squiggling around lost looking for my own? But why him? Am I reading too much into it at all? Is it a simple connection that is there but won’t ignite anything? How do you know? I do know. I felt it. Just barely but enough that I thought back to that moment and tried to make sure.
I come back to my worth always. I am worth someone who would think of me. Who will bring me a coke and know it needs little ice and has to be from the gas station. Who knows me. There is more to me than this but someday I want flower sent to me. Just to know what it feels like. There is more to me than this. But someday I dream of someone who will know I don’t need a place for him to put flowers when I die. Like my dad. That’s what my dreams are made of.
I am trying not to think at all about it. Think of me. My job and my life. I have a lot to think of. Yet I keep thinking of him. Trying to remember his eyes in case I don’t see them again.
I wasn’t even that anxious this morning. I can’t pay bills. I shouldn’t online shop before coffee and I should write even if I have nothing to really write about. I have no title and no anxious thoughts really. Just dreams I want to come true. It’s what dreams are made of.
Did I create me an entire anxious thought or was it there? I don’t know what dreams are made of? All I’ve done now is want to know more about what dreams are made of. Not just mine but now his. And others. Maybe his are to find someone who is less available? Independent. Strong willed and stubborn. Do these sound like dreams to come true? They are mine. Mine are the same. I want to find someone who can help me find what my dreams are made of. That’s what I can’t find. Maybe he can’t find his. Are we both lost? Did he wake one day and think, I need to take care of me and my life and see who appears. It will be someone who so seldom appears. That’s what happens when you focus on yourself. You don’t need someone for much. You want them. You dream of them. Think of them. But don’t really need them there. But sort of do if the shampoo bottle thing is stuck and won’t turn to open to allow you to pump the shampoo into your hand. So you have to unscrew the cap every time you wash your hair and some days just don’t even wash it. And some days want to cut the top off with a knife and have it forever open. Or dump it all out and buy a new one. Watching 7 dollars of shampoo go down the drain because the cap is defective and no one is there to open it. Because dreams don’t come true.
My kids being gone for several days made me lonely. Confusing me with I am alone thoughts. But I was lonely. I so rarely know what to do when they are gone. So I opened a twitter account. Which I will never use and it isn’t even attached to my name. It wasn’t a good decision. But I was lonely. I dream of not being lonely. Sometimes we just are. I wasn’t sad lonely but bored lonely. I wanted to talk and learn something about someone. I was curious. Like a toddler about the hows and whys and what ifs of another person. I dream of a lot. My dreams are made of so much. I spend 100 percent of my time day dreaming and rarely night dream. The kind that I have no control over. The dreams we don’t want to come true. They are fuzzy and make zero sense. They are made of thoughts of our brain at rest. Our brain is sleepy so it has its own dreams? And we daydream. Dreams are made up of dreams. We make the rest up. Do they come true? Depends on what it is made of?
Aspenleaf 