Do I need to write? Let’s see? The tapping away of the screen is irritating me enough that I’m not sure I do. I am hyper-? What? Active. Vigilant. Sensitive. Aware. Which is it? I am hyper. Period. Unusually energetic. Even if sitting i am not. I am hyper. You can’t tell simply because I am at rest. My body says I’m at rest. I’m sitting, or laying or just not moving but my mind is telling me to go. That I can’t do not hyper. The longer I sit the more it goes. Like I’m being wound up. That my mind is going and going and turning and turning until my head feels like it might spin right off and it says go.
I always false started when racing. In track. I would stand there waiting to be allowed to go. Unsure of when the little fire would allow me to go. I would time it in my mind. I’ve waited long enough your wait is too long. I go. Everyone else can wait. Then we would be told to go back and wait. Wait? For who? And what? I was ready. I’ve been disqualified for being too eager to go. Out that right foot right behind the line. And wait? What about the left? He can’t wait. It’s that one big foot eager to go forward. He is the hyper one. The left foot it bigger than the right. If I had proper balance I would stay put? I can’t stand or the one toe is too cramped or the other has too much room. My feet have their own boundary issues in their little universe which is mine.
I often feel Im being pulled back and forth by my hair. Being held back and sometimes being pulled forward. I’m trying to read a book about a lady with too much broken chaos and although I relate her broken it isn’t the same as mine and so it’s a real fractured read. I love it but my take away is nothing specific other than there are other fractured hyper like minds trying to get unbroken when told we are broken when really we aren’t but are. But aren’t?
Ive been tired of being poked around by some like I’m not done yet. Checking me for readiness. Like we do meat. We cut it open a little and see how much blood is there. See how alive it is or isn’t then toss it back on to get more done. You are not ready, cook more. You are done enough for me. Too much blood still running through that meat to enjoy. Just the right amount for me. Not enough for me to keep alive though. What? I’m about to gross myself out. I have struggled with red meat for years. I’m not a vegetarian which I am always proudly announcing as if I’m proud I eat things that once had beating hearts with red blood and anxious minds and wind in their souls. But I enjoy meat. Just not always red. And often not birds. Sometimes not fish and rarely anything like a bug unless I didn’t know it.
Why does chicken not have red? I know its not considered red meat but don’t chickens bleed? Isn’t it red when it is oxygenated? There is just all those stringy veins? Where is all the chicken red blood? I tell others I love vegetables. I just prefer things that once grew from the earth and now are readily available for consumption. Unfortunately there are a lot of animals specifically grown and raised to eat so I assist. Not so much for enjoyment but I worry there will be too many animals in the world if we all decide not to eat them. Then what? Will they eat each other? What if we all decide to quit eating animals? What happens to all of them raised to be eaten? I juts eat red meat because it’s there? I should mentally protest this more often for more legitimate reasons.
I looked to try and find a dog. Not to eat. We don’t eat dogs. Well some do, but shouldn’t. This will not turn into a thought on people eating dogs. We don’t eat dogs. There are just too many. Are there that many people in the world that we could almost be certain everyone could have a pet? Is that the goal? If we all agreed to stop making more pets maybe there would be less pets with no homes? Same with people? I don’t want there to be too many animals left on the planet. Maybe that’s all that will remain someday. No humans left after the bat virus kept changing and we kept chasing and trying to control the universe only to find we never were in control. Bats are? Now dogs are? What about all the cows no one is eating? What will happen to all the minks? If they are raised for fur and no one is here to kill them for their fur or raise them for it? Or wear them at all.
My toenail came off my big toe. There isn’t the pain I thought that would occur from this just a simple tingle. A naked exposed vulnerable hyper toe. The top of my toe is naked and exposed and colder than the tops of my other toes. I never noticed it until my big toe who is too big for his left foot lost his jacket. My toenails are there to protect the top of my toe. My toe nail failed his owner. The owner of the big fat size bigger foot failed them all with her anxious mind she walked that toe to the point of having nothing to wear. Not even mink fur.
I can’t make shoes work for two feet that want different things in life. One wants bigger things than the other. One wants to take bigger steps. Leave a bigger print on life. Push boundaries. Only now it’s cold. But just the top of the big fat toe. I need a toe nail implant? Maybe it needs a special toe sock for lost nailed toes. I will be applying toe polish and not toenail polish just painting the top of my naked toe worried he is cold. Maybe a little play doe mold? It just feels weird with it gone. Will I get a new one? Why did this one fall out and where is his back up. My others keep growing? So my big toe is missing more than what was there but also what I can’t see?
Im throughly exhausted. I have slept and had dreams and nightmares like I’ve never slept and had dreams and nightmares. I lost two nephews to life in one. It felt so real I woke in tears for the loss of two people I haven’t seen in years. Do I miss them?
Last night I dreamt of weddings? I created an entire story. I wrote a story in my dream of a woman who found her new human man to be with her forever even with all her broken put back chaos and she couldn’t get married where she always dreamed of getting married because of the tides of the ocean. The moon and the pull of gravity keeps her from getting to the island of her dreams but being written in someone else’s dreams. She thinks quietly but loudly while her beautiful simple princess cut style dress she sees on Pinterest, the place of dreams of love that isn’t. It’s a very specific dress. One cut and made of dreams and promises and stitched with hope and trust again. Hand crafted by all the animals no one is eating left roaming the vast land of this universe. Like Cinderella. Because that’s the dream right? Wait, I’m writing it. It’s like nothing and everything.
Her dad is gone so who will give her away to this new man? Give her away? From who? She is not land to be traded for minks fur and red meat. From who? She was never owned. A free spirit roaming her own little vortex. She spends about 90 percent of her time in her own world.
Where did he go? She turns in the wind. He is still there. Why? Didn’t the tide wash him away. How did I get to the island and he is on the shore in the mountains. Is he waiting for me? He looks up. He speaks with no words but she hears them all. This is your island to see. Not mine. I am right here. She looks back confused. But you were right here? He says I still am. You reach out and the moon is in the way. Trying to hold you down. Hey moon move. I have to get back. I’m waiting for someone and no moon is going to get in my way. She lets the tide wash her back. Her dress is dripping with flowers from the ocean full of life and they walk towards the path.
What path? The one no one can see but choses. I chose you. I chose you. Even if the moon and tide and gravity tries to take you away. You are my universe. I am yours. These are our stars.
Maybe my dreams are preparing me for my awake life. Like practice. I am dreaming of things I miss but really never had. Someone who is my own universe. Someone who knows I have my own. Someone who knows I’m almost always not interested in his until occasionally our universes collide and the moons move and tide is right and we push and pull with our hair and then our universes explode into one bigger one for a moment.
Like when bubbles meet. They still are two but bigger. You can see the lines of the two bubbling around each other. Bending and moving with the wind and the light into each other but not through but also through. You can still see through the two even though it is now one.
Except that big hyper toe. He is so stubborn with his bigger foot print in your universe that he can’t stay in his own bubble. One foot is always testing the waters to that island. Hair being pulled away. One stays grounded while the other is being pulled by that tide for more. There are so many islands to see.
Not just the one universe with the one hyper naked toe…
Aspenleaf 