Yoga, my magic carpet…

Yoga.

Once I burst into tears over this supposedly calming, mind channeling calm through the veins that millions of people snap beautiful poses of themselves in.

I sat there in this perfect pose held so tight and for so long that I thought I had mastered it. Yet I was nervous I was failing because I wasn’t calm, I also wasn’t ”present” as she spoke calmly at the beginning. She said, Be present.

My mind first went to presents. Like gifts. She didn’t say it right? Did she mean to say this? Why would she say presents?

I wasn’t listening because I can’t.

I was there, did this count as present, I almost raised my hand to show my eager attendance.

To be seen. To be counted as there.

I came, but so did my over active uncalmed, fearful mind. I was in the past and sometimes in the future, thinking out the worst case scenario so I could be prepared.

Where was the exit? What if something happens with one of my kids? What will it be? Death? A car crash? Her feeding tube? Her heart? Who will buckle them? Will they do it right? Why would they even leave? I am only going to be gone a couple hours.

Please don’t leave, I begged to no one.

I said it out loud I realized when someone heard, she said nothing.

I often think I think things when they are actually softly said out loud. That’s when I know my fearful thoughts are too loud, when they leak out as words.

In general, I’m a loud talker. Ask anyone who has heard me from across a department store. So a soft spoken voice is just my thoughts running into a space I can’t control sometimes.

This is a really old building, who let them decide this is a calming place? Why isn’t the fire extinguisher near her? It’s by the door. Where you have to leave in a fire. Why would you run for an extinguisher by an exit then go back? Maybe she plans to save her building? Is there more? Why would a yoga studio even burn down? Would the mirrors melt or shatter? Would I try to save her building or myself, I knew the answer.

I was crying over the thought that there is no such thing as being right in the moment, I couldn’t listen to my body or think about it let alone listen to her. I was busy listening to myself.

I felt dressed wrong, I didn’t have proper yoga clothes. What are proper yoga clothes? Ask Target? It’s a yoga mom clothes trap. Even fancier, Athleta. Fancy to me anyway, they do make really cute tennis skirts. Don’t ask. I buy my clothes second hand. Because they have already shrunk in the wash or dryer and are ready to go, they have a little story behind them, they are cheaper, they can just go right back to the thrift store for someone else to try on calm when I fail at yoga after one class… one hour.

My shiny new mat squeaked(a gift that came with this yoga class gift certificate). It wouldn’t lay flat yet. Everyone else rolled theirs out like it was a magic carpet ready to take off to a far away land. Maybe that’s what will happen? Was I supposed to oil it? Like you do a baseball glove? What is it even made of? Is it flammable? Will it melt or burn? It feels like neoprene, like scuba gear? Why would it be made with this? What about sweat? Will it get absorbed? Did this come with more instructions than just the cute carry bag? I don’t think I remember.

My anticipation was too much. I felt already like I was not good enough simply because I didn’t know what to expect or how to do it. If I know I can’t do something new well I tend to just avoid it.

I could hold the poses. I watched as others moved fluidly and in a beautiful transitional manner. No one had spoken for like 11 minutes and I was afraid I had been forgotten. I wanted to…to what? Scream is what I wanted to do. Be heard.

I could hear my mat, my sobbing and my leaky brain words. Could everyone else hear these things?

Eventually my eyes were clenched so hard from trying to concentrate on being there, when what I wanted was to be anywhere else. Maybe even nowhere. Where do people go in their heads when they can’t escape what’s in their heads?

I never went back.

Today, I think of all the photos you see of these perfect captured moments. I see them on f’n Pinterest, who’s only goal is to make us all look like we suck. Or to steal our time.

Pinterest is sneaky, and I hope will die a slow painful death someday. For me anyway. It watches what you view then overwhelms you with things un achievable. You viewed that specific recipe last week so here are one million that you might love but will never make or will buy the required 14 rare spices to make then will throw away because your kids like chicken nuggets and spaghetti. I prefer my Betty Crocker and my grandmas cookbooks…

Anyway, Are they really present in these moments? If you pose and take this photo it was planned and thought out? Your intent is to share? You’ve already become not present. You are thinking of the steps it took to get it set up. Timed it with a worthy view or sunset. Planned either someone to be there to take it or set a timer then ran like a banchée too get to your pose? Nearly missing catapulting off a cliff edge of the Grand Canyon. Can I turn my phone backwards and get in place in ten seconds? The phone falls over. You view the photo. You don’t like it. It’s not worth sharing to show what you should look like being present, you missed the amazing sunset in the background to share yourself sitting in front of it.

The best way to show being present is to not show you are present? Then who will believe it happened? Why does that matter to so many?

I’ve decided it’s a very personal feeling and moment for me. I can do it as long as I focus on my purpose. Why am I here to watch this sunset? For me. I walked miles to get up here and it’s all mine. Most people that view photos rarely leave the comfort of their home. It’s likely not inspiring them in any way. It’s actually likely making them doubt themselves.

I sat and counted that it took this many seconds for night to come and day to leave. Just to be certain it happens. But, I sat. No one bothered me including me.

Yes my dinner looks good. For me. No the recipe is not online.

I cheat on apps that are stalkers, Apps that count steps, and miles and calories. I have downloaded them only to feel the desire to leave without them so it won’t know I walked so far. it’s liberating.

I did get new shoes. I’ll show you someday when I see you in real life.

I am a terrible tax preparer and have a terrible desire to be a traffic controller at 4 way stops. I take routes to avoid these stops. I avoid 2 lane drive thrus for the same reason.

Wait till you see my new hair color! It’s better in person.

I am in the bathtub right now, I let my water out and am sitting in it with no water. I forgot for a minute where I was. No one will ever know.

Yes, it’s snowing. Look out the window. Or go out. We forget how much we love something when we don’t worry about what everyone else is doing, thinking or not thinking.

Let it hit your tongue. Feel it slowly melt. See how long it takes to catch 2. Make your snow angels, remember when you made them and your goal was to not leave foot prints? Showing a real angel flew and flapped her angel wings in the freezing cold snow. Why would she? It’s also not something you can do. I used to throw snow back to my foot prints covering my tracks.

Yes I’m actually sad right now and am writing about my irrational fears to read them back. I can’t sleep when my kids aren’t here unless Friends is playing in the background and my daughters blanket is safely next to me. She talks to her blanket and I have to talk to it while when she doesn’t or she thinks her blanket is sad. Her blanket is a person to her. She gets buckled and everything, fed and comforted when she is sad. She is also this to me. It’s absurd.

I can do a few yoga poses for approximately 49 seconds. But I’m likely crying, likely cussing, falling…anything but calm, but I am present and connected to the me I know. My mind is finally on that pose. I am pulling in places I never have, waking and stretching muscles In my body and my mind, and relaxing places that haven’t since I was in the womb. I have a very strong or maybe weak? core because I’ve held stress and tensed for so long. I can hold still from years of knowing I shouldn’t move or speak.

Being present might not always mean being calm. Finding calm. It could just mean being aware. Just because I have these rampant thoughts doesn’t mean I can’t also stop them or keep them from controlling me or attempt yoga. Maybe in a tense situation calm shown is not the same as what is thought. Or is that calm? Maybe the busiest most active, chaotic people are actually very calm inside? It’s all situational.

I was typing and thinking of sharing this. But with who? And why? I’m trying to get to a place my thoughts are not running back and forth from what I believe I am worth and what others believe. Maybe someday I will.

Why?

Because I suck at yoga, And millions of people can do it and I can not. I also think millions can not do it.

I am uncalmable? Or maybe I am what is really present? Yes I said present not presents.

I also would love a magic carpet, flame resistant and already used. That’s a whole other story…

Someday is here.