No Fourth of July this year. Not the way we are used to it. No big groups of fireworks. This is my holiday. I love the displays in the sky. It will be another new normal. Life is changing and rearranging.
I will venture off to somewhere no one is. I need to sit more. Not walk more. Sit more. Just for awhile. I know I can walk so I know I will do it again but I am not always certain of my sitting abilities. I’m sitting now. But thinking of reasons not to be. I have a mix of things in my head making me heart want to jump out of its chest so I’m forcing myself to sit to sort.
My mom isn’t taking care of herself. She shouldn’t be either. Her husband died. Her person. Not her other half her other whole. She isn’t cleaning up after herself, she isn’t eating well, she isn’t sleeping right. I am going to have to do these things for her for awhile. She will again. But she can’t right now. She can’t at a time I can. I’ve been preparing in my mind for dad to be gone for so long I’m surprised he didn’t a long time ago. That’s how I am wired. You have died if I don’t hear from you. You could die anytime. In my mind you already did. Then when you don’t Im relieved. I can do these things for her and help her sleep and eat right. I promised him right before he died that I would take care of her. I don’t break promises.
Im letting someone care for me. I am breaking all kinds of rules I have for myself. Moving and rearranging boundaries to meet my needs and someone else’s. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Life is changing and also rearranging so I have to as well. I don’t want to do everything on my own. I can and I will if I have to but it’s not my first choice. I’m extremely independent and even someone with me will likely feel like what are they even there for? Unless it’s someone exactly like that. Or unless it’s someone who just is there and is stepping over my carefully laid out secure boundaries and I’m allowing it. It’s a choice.
One day at a time. I’m a time traveler in my mind. I’ve gone into the future many times. Right now I can’t. My brother in law is dying. I don’t want to travel to a time he isn’t here. It could be today. I don’t even want to travel to today. I have already pictured being told today and not being able to handle it. I will have to be taken home. I won’t be strong enough because I’m already not because to me, he already died.
I heard my dads voice for the first time since I talked to him the night before he died. My mom had a memory come up from 2 years ago on her Facebook page. It was my dad teaching my daughter the words and hand claps to a song. I’ve played it over a hundred times now. I sent it to myself and now I have it forever.
Where will everyone go? What will everyone do? I’m worried about the heat and the dry land and people trying to do pyrotechnics on their own. They shouldn’t have sold fireworks this year. People are going to go bananas with them and be hurt. It seems like they could have figured a way out to do fireworks in places. We aren’t going to be able to stop this until a treatment or vaccine is in place. We are not likely going to be able to control it. It seems part of a new world order.
Caves are closed everywhere. Not all caves but most are closed to protect bats from humans. We spread a disease apparently to them. We don’t cohabitate well at all. I talked to a biologist about the bat disease when I called to ask once about them. He did entertain me by calling me back. He loves to talk bats. He has a key to the bat cave with the prison bars. He knows things about bats no one does. He is a Batman. He made me want to be bat woman. I imagined us both in costume hiking through the woods to go to the cave to see what the bats are doing. Except he actually has to wear a hazmat suite and be extremely careful not to make the bats sick from whatever bat things we give bats. I’ve had 4 dreams about bats since this bat cave call.
All this is making me want to do is go in the caves I’m not allowed in. To see why I am not allowed in. I’m relieved the bars are so strong and so permanent yet they look so out of place when coming upon them in the woods. It’s a little sad we take such extreme measures to protect something when we should just protect them by knowing we should protect them. I can keep from going in if I’m told why. It doesn’t lessen the curiosity it increases it but I can keep from crossing the lines. If laid out.
When my brother in law dies I will have to help my sister. She is a small version of my mom. She helps others and forgets herself. All of us girls are like this. I will do it too. I will get caught up in helping mom, her and all the new people I’ve seemed to collect that I’ve determined need my help. They aren’t all new friends just people that seem to need my help growing. They are weak like I am in my head. One girl walks around saying she looks up to me leaving me feeling confused. I told her she has to quit walking around saying it then told her to take her band aide off her knees and let her ouchies breath and get a little dirt on them. I give terrible advice. I pretend I’m in worm holes when I’m pulling weeds and that I’ve discovered a new planet. Want to come? Leave this planet. Just follow me and crawl through these worm holes. On the other side is a new world. There is no order. Same as this world. We don’t get to have order just chaos.
Aspenleaf 