I haven’t written as consistently as I have been. Or should be. I’ve been with company. So I spend less time with myself. Just writing out things from myself to myself. I’ve had to rely on my hand written methods to slow some things down. To really write things out. I am in turmoil that is so unfamiliar I have to think of words to even write and then have to spell and then have to look up. I have to write in cursive so I don’t forget how. I’m worried someday someone will make an app that allows our typing to look like cursive. Connecting letters for us. We can’t even string together letters to make words to relay thoughts to tell stories. We have things to do it for us now. I don’t want to forget how to.
I know what kind of eggs I like. I don’t know why I don’t tell anyone. Poached. I like poached eggs. If asked I would prefer poached eggs. They are hard to make. Ask in a restaurant. They almost never do it or get it right. I could make great poached eggs. Just done enough that I had a little runny yolk for my toast. I had a pan to do it in. It was bent in places that made the water boil up and over the top and into the little dishes that held my butter and eggs. But we made it work. Me and the pan. Now the pan is gone, someone got rid of it that didn’t know it’s importance to me. It was my dads pan. For poaching eggs then given to me when he got a new egg poaching pan. I fought once over poached eggs and this pan. Only to then find it was thrown out. He said it was bent and he threw it out. It was bent, I just didn’t put an egg in that third spot that water got into too much. I am not over this poached egg pan business. I haven’t eaten a poached egg since then. I’ve eaten them all the ways everyone else likes them. Sometimes I don’t even like eggs. If I think of it as a baby bird all eggs are just off the table. But given that I can sometimes not think of eating baby birds I will say. Poached. But have never until now. I need a new pan.
I had to make everyone’s eggs for so long I forgot what I liked. I would make egg sandwiches and make one for me just so I also got to eat something. I don’t really like my eggs all stirred up and mixed into egg scramble. But if scrambled I like them with cheese to cover the fact they are all scrambled. I don’t like fried eggs from the crust made from grease. I don’t like them boiled into eggs. I like the long complicated process of poaching them.
Who came up with poached eggs? I am not going to look this up. I actually did but I am not going to read what I looked up. I’ve ungoogled. I will regoogle this Im sure at some point and know more about poached eggs than I need to when I go to buy a new egg poaching pan I will go down an egg poaching rabbit hole.
My brother in law is surviving coronavirus. He wasn’t supposed to and now he is coming back from almost dead. Slowly and likely painfully but coming back. He needs to hurry my sister is getting bored. She is shower curtain shopping and has drawn me right into it with her and I don’t need one. But now want one. You google a shower curtain and the possibilities are endless. You view one and it shows you several more to view. It’s not boring at all. It’s addicting. I could easily buy 12 and just change them out all the time. I have one I want. Who doesn’t want an octopus shower curtain? Who reviews shower curtains? Lots of people. People who buy the wrong length for their shower. People who don’t like the size of water droplets on some materials. People who don’t like that it’s not as white as the picture. It is not as bright as the picture. Why did I read shower curtain reviews until it was time to wake in the morning?
I’ve been enjoying having company. It’s not just company it’s good company. I have a list of things that have never occurred for me. I’ve never had my hand kissed, my head kissed, my skin lightly touched and told it was soft, been told I smell like flowers when I should smell like not flowers, been held and not me holding onto, eggs made for me, told to sit, driven to see fireworks, taken into a casino just to see what it is, put my feet into a giant muddy river, told to say what is bothering me not told to not let things bother me, asked what is wrong, asked where I am, then found, told to sleep well…the list is long. It’s also uncomfortable. To even have such a list after all this time. I should have had this list years ago. It is frightening me to be taken care of in any way.
I saw fireworks for Fourth of July. I didn’t think I would this year. My dad loved fireworks. Not like overly loved them but he sat and watched them. My dad sits so little. Sat. I saw them right on the big muddy Mississippi River. From all over. Then kissed right on the river with fireworks. It’s a Fourth of July I will never forget because I thought it would be one I would. There were so many fireworks that the air was thick with the smell of fireworks. No fireworks turned into the most fireworks I’ve ever seen in one place.
I want to be like others so much sometimes. Just be more something. More calm. How can some be so calm? I drank an energy drink today. I see a girl I work with do it and thought I could. She is never calm and I wondered if that was a way to get calm for her maybe it would be for me? I forget the last time I did. My eyeballs floated and felt full of water. I peed a lot. I didn’t sleep for an entire day. My heart felt like It was going to explode. So see, now I can come back to here and remember I don’t need an energy drink to try to feel calm. Or to feel anything ever. I never need an energy drink. I wonder now why she drinks so many if she is always so full of energy or is she always full of energy because she drinks them? They are bad for you. The heart I think. Or they are bad for my heart. Mine didn’t appreciate the unnecessary increase of beats to move blood but my body wasn’t moving to meet the increase. I was confusing my heart. I added energy but didn’t actually feel more energized and didn’t move more except to pee more.
I have to get up in half and hour and I woke at 11. Then stayed up as per my energy drink allowed me to. Anxious people shouldn’t try things to give them energy. I can’t even try things to take it away. It is fueled no matter what I feed it. My anxious is hungry for things to fuel it.
I am still not eating. I can’t yet. I throw up my Lyme disease medicine usually. I found a little relief by taking that nasty chalk pink pepto bismal. It coats my tummy then I take my medicine with a little food. Then it stays mostly down. I am almost done with the medicine and hope I am cured of Lyme disease. I feel better except for the vomiting from the Lyme disease medicine. I am still not eating because my dad died. Im not grief eating. I’m barely eating. It feels still hollow and also heavy in my stomach. I’m hoping the Lyme medicine is mostly to blame but I know this is not true. When it is done I will just vomit no more. But my appetite will not increase. I want it to and am completely aware it is not happening and can’t make it. I am a good eater. Its both my least favorite and favorite compliment I ever got. I usually eat like it’s my last meal. I usually eat for two when I’m just ones I usually eat for 3 and 4 if it’s chilli dogs and tacos. I can eat for 6 if it’s a snickers ice cream bar but right now I’m eating for maybe a half. I’m too full of sad.
We attract where we are in life. This is why and how I am in my present company. This is why I am not in the company of others I once was. I’m not there anymore. Is this just a place I am right now? My dad is gone and I don’t know who I am without him. I may never. I don’t know. I don’t want to know is the problem. He was the one to encourage me and get me through things. Now I have to do it not on my own but just without him. I can do it but I don’t want to. Then he is gone. And I am on my own.
I want to sleep. He wants to sleep. We both want to sleep but seem to sleep better or not sleep better when we are both not sleeping together. Which didn’t make any sense. I’ve slept the best knowing someone is there. That also seems to know they sleep when someone is there. Someone to tell me it’s ok to lay on them. Someone else who wakes with nightmares and sweats. Its comforting knowing I’m not the only one. Even though I knew this anyway.
He told me to take a deep breath. I forget to. I forget to even shallow breath. I took a deep breath. It’s science that this is supposed to help. There are studies and journals written about the benefits of deep breathing. It’s just hard. I assume it’s my last so I make it really good one. I’m not sure what studies would say if I was deep breathing to relax and calm myself but my mind was saying it could be it. This is the last one make it count. Studies probably still say it is beneficial. It’s not just about the mind. It’s about fully taking in oxygen to exchange it for carbon dioxide. The benefits of deep breathing go beyond the mind. There is science involved. But the way I see it is the more oxygen I get to my brain the better thinking I have. You make better decisions when you are fully oxygenated. You are also just more alive.
Who is he? I know who he is not. Like some I don’t recognize who people are if they are not what I only knew. So just because I know who someone isn’t doesn’t mean I know who they are.
My mom said he was sent here from my dad. What ever helps her get through her day. Whatever helps me get through mine.
I don’t want someone to make me poached eggs just to know that is what I like. I can make them. Maybe. Without the only pan I’ve ever made them in I will have to make them new again. I will have to try to make them again. After I buy a pan and research the history of poached eggs
I can’t sit still this morning. My daughter is acting weird and anxious. She asks me the same questions on average 25 times. In a row. I don’t answer sometimes because she still asks to confirm the answer to the question. So why answer. Eventually she answers for herself. She knows the answer. I have to wait for it. Where we going? Oh, to Molly’s. She says after 25 times. Supper? Oh, cheeseburgers. Maybe? I say. She says maybe back then asks again. And I agree so we eat cheeseburgers about 25 times a month. To avoid the questions. If I say fish she says. Not fish, cheeseburgers until I agree.
She wakes most nights so I don’t sleep most nights to make sure she doesn’t burn down my building or leave it. She is extra anxious without a consistent routine. Coronavirus has caused her extra anxious times. She is uncertain of her fate and her meals.
I will own a new shower curtain soon. How can I not. I should have one that I picked not one that someone picked for me. I didn’t need one but I want one. It’s in fact an octopus to match my imagination that I grab onto people like an octopus and never let them go. After reading the reviews that say I should measure properly I have one on its way. Like in a day. Now I want matching octopus mats and towels. And an egg poaching pan to make my eggs in.
Aspenleaf 