Uncertainty

I was too optimistic. I let it slip for a day. To be optimistic for a day and not not optimistic. Not so much pessimistic but realistic. For one day I wanted to believe everything would be fine. Just not be positive but trust the universe to do what is right. Even if I don’t agree. I will be angry and sad again when he dies. But I’ve been certain he would. And uncertain he won’t. I didn’t want to say remember that time you died from a deadly contagious virus during a global pandemic after surviving so much.

Will I feel relief you are joining dad and your parents? I wanted to say. Remember that time you survived a contagious deadly virus during a global pandemic. After surviving so much.

For a day I wanted to believe that it was all in the cards. That it is what it is. That a slightly realistic but bordering on an optimistic level would welcome some relief but not feel pessimistic. Just for a day let go. Forget. Give up. Whatever I feel letting go is that is supposed to offer relief and not holding on so tight to an outcome that is both certain and also not. It’s uncertain certainty.

What happened? Did he just come home one day and say, not good enough, not enough. Too much, too hard. Too all things and not enough at the same time. When will I get past this. I had days like that. Days I just couldn’t do it but I did.

Why I jumped from two such different topics is likely a result of my accidentally taking my sons rittilin and not my Lyme disease antibiotic.

Every night I put that antibiotic by my coffee pot and every night my daughter with special needs gets up and puts it away. She doesn’t like things not in places. I don’t have a regular medicine so this bothers her out. Every night after she sleeps I get it back out. And in the middle of the night she gets up and puts it back away and I even hear her saying . No not mommy’s, coals. My sons medicine. In her mind I don’t have medicine. This, is why I don’t sleep. I can’t sleep or she does things like this. I can sleep but she will do these things like this and I won’t know. Which is worse?

My eyes are way open. In fact I think I took it even last night. I remember thinking it was odd I only had one pill left when I remember there being more that morning. My ears and nose feel odd. I had to take my cdl test to renew my expired license. I can’t buy wine with an expired license or go into a Casino if I wanted to. They let me in. I didn’t really want to be but was curious. They should have looked harder. That license could have been anyone’s. Anyway. I tried to buy a bottle of wine but the lady said my license was expired which I pointed out the whole country shut down and she said well you had 30 days and I said it was still shut down then. Then she said I could now and I said I know I haven’t had time. She looks at me with her eyes and her covered mouth I can’t tell if it is telling me she isn’t budging. I study her and say you know most your staff don’t even card me and sometimes they enter their own birthday instead of actually looking at mine. Take that. Then we stared it out and I set the wine down and was just going to leave and the lady behind me was like I will buy it and then her license was also expired but didn’t make the machine not allow it. So I have my bottle of wine that I don’t even really want.

I was able to get my license renewed finally today after a nice 4 hour wait on the drivers facility sidewalks. I stayed optimist through the entire wait. Cheering every small move forward as if we made it to the moon. Taking on gazes and glares from on lookers as I shouted out my optimistic outlook on waiting in 300 foot long lines so I can not have a stare out and have unnecessary discussions with grocery staff about anything ever again. I never felt the feeling I was about to lose my bonkers waiting. We wait now. It’s longer and it’s longer lines. It’s harder and it’s even more harder. The man in front of me danced and pranced in his pants and nearly left after he was almost there. He was on a bike to get just an Id. He didn’t even want to drive. He was testing my new declaration of optimism with his own stance on not.

I never want to go to this facility again, But I may need to someday have to use this license or maybe get stopped and I just needed this loose end tidied up. Next loose end. Taxes. I have a lot of coronavirus shutdown loose ends to tie up.

How do you describe the scent of a man? It’s easy to describe a women. Or it can be. Floral, citrus, like magnolias. What about a natural scent? I bought perfume worried i smelled just like a person and nothing interesting. Now I smell like a person with green tea and pear sprayed on me. I wrote once about how he smells. As soon as I could find the words. And the smells. It was like the woods after it rained but was just hot. Wet hot woods. But sometimes like dried mustard or a dried something, almost earthy like dirt but not like dry dirt. I said you smell like a man but that isn’t a thing. Men have all kinds of smells sometimes just from what they eat or do for a job. Sometimes they may smell like flowers and citrus and magnolias too. The scent of a man and a woman know no gender. We want to smell like what we want to smell like or we just smell like what we smell like.

So sad story. My daughters fish is missing. Likely in the tummy of the cat. Or I just have a beta fish lose in the house. She thinks you can get a fish out to play. She got him out and put him in the tea kettle to have tea with her. But she left him in the little tea kettle and then we ran an errand and now the tea kettle is void a beta fish and my cat looks suspicious. My cat looks fed. Acts fed. I don’t want to find this fish someday not eaten by the cat so I’m sort of hoping it was eaten by the cat.

I feel like I shouldn’t need a no fish out of the tanks rule but I may need a no fish out of the tanks rule. I have this kind of kid. Same kind of kid as her mom. I let birds out. I didn’t like them in cages and was always letting our bird be out and take showers with me and be in the kitchen on the counter when I was doing dishes. Putting soap suds on his little head and letting him shake them off. Once falling asleep with my parakeet suffocating if with love. I just thought birds had more to do than fly around in a cage. I let my bird go once. Out the door with news delivered of its uncertainty to survive without the food we bought it. It spent too many years in a cage and now would have an uncertain future because of me. But what kind of life is in a cage? Wouldn’t one last amazing flight in the open sky be better than days of banging around a bell on a swing? I would be a liability/risk to have as a zoo worker. Don’t let me know how to open those doors I would say in my interview. Wink wink. They would not get the seriousness of the joke they think I am telling.

I want to remain optimistic. I am not ready to give up on my brother in law. All the machines say they are supporting him not doing it so much for him. When my dad died the machines did things for him so we can tell him it is ok to go. I didn’t give up on dad I gave him the permission to go. He wasn’t fighting to hang on the machines were doing it for him. He was reassured we would be ok and mom would be ok then we had to let them take the machines away. I can let go and let the universe take care of things. I just don’t agree with the outcome because of the pain and suffering I feel it burdens me with. But I’m not the one suffering. It was my dad. Artificially being kept alive so we could have a minute to chat. It was the most selfish I have ever felt. I let it happen for about a minute then I couldn’t handle watching him hang on, just for us.

In my head I’m not giving up on my brother in law so that even when he dies I didn’t give up on him. I’m just going to let what happens happen. Let it go. Give it to the universe to control and let my self feel a little relief again today. I just can’t do it anymore. Try to make everything come out ok. When it is just going to come out. Ok. Let the uncertainty be certain or the certainty by uncertain. But just let go.